I quit life

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I can't do this any more. I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going. I've closed myself off to the world, shut down and forgotten how to relate to people. I'm alone. Aside from online friends and my family, I'm completely and utterly alone. I've lived in the same place for two years and I literally do not even have a single friend to show for it.

I'm broken. Not broken like the religious OH I AM BROKEN, but broken like the toy who's mechanism just never worked properly. Broken like the LCD screen that has a giant line of blue through the middle of the picture. Broken like a guitar string. I sit here and look at myself, and wonder how in the hell I got so fucked up.

The answer is obvious. I've been emotionally abused my entire life by almost everybody around me. From my mother and father to my sisters to my friendships, I have been downtrodden, spat on, and told that I'm worthless. No wonder I started believing it.

My dad tells me that he loves me, that I'm this amazing person that's gonna change the world, and he asks if I believe him, and I say no. I don't believe him. I look at myself and I don't see anything amazing. I see a broken toy. My heart doesn't work right, my mind doesn't work right. It's like someone took a wooden spoon and gave my head a little swirl. "huh, nothing seems to be in the right place any more. Oh well!"

I hate myself. I really just hate myself. Like to the point where I don't actually know any good about myself. I know what people say about me, what my online friends say, but I can't believe a word of it. To me, I'm just this tragic little ball of fuckedupness. I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm bitchy, I'm a pessimist. I hate the world and everything in it. Every day I come home and the first thing I say to my empty apartment is "I quit life." and then I shut down and sit on my computer for the rest of the day.

I do. I quit life. I hate it. I hate feeling alone, and unloved. I hate feeling fucked up and unworthy. I hate feeling like every word out of my mouth is disgusting and unwanted. I've been depressed since I was a kid, I did the self harm schtick, and my family never let me get to the suicidal schtick, and honestly I think I'd be too scared any way. Oh that's another thing I hate about myself. I'm terrified of everything.

And the worst part is I know if I keep going the way I'm going I'm going to become this tragically obese agoraphobic person who winds up on one of those TLC specials for the whole world to look at and go "aw look at the poor fucked up girl. if only she'd try and fix her life."

But I don't know HOW to fix my life because I've never known anything but this. I've never known a life with good self esteem. I've never known a life where anything I had to say was valued. I've never known a life where I was loved unconditionally. I've lived a life where if I let out the pain in my heart nobody want's to hear it. And I'm in so much pain. I'm in so much pain all the time. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this prison I've built for my heart. And the worst part is if ever I try to get out of that prison, I immediately get shoved back in.

I'm so trapped and I'm so done. But there's nothing I can do.

I quit. I quit life.