I quit life

Time =

Mood =

Music =

What I SHOULD be doing =

Random fact about me =


I can't do this any more. I don't know who I am and I don't know where I'm going. I've closed myself off to the world, shut down and forgotten how to relate to people. I'm alone. Aside from online friends and my family, I'm completely and utterly alone. I've lived in the same place for two years and I literally do not even have a single friend to show for it.

I'm broken. Not broken like the religious OH I AM BROKEN, but broken like the toy who's mechanism just never worked properly. Broken like the LCD screen that has a giant line of blue through the middle of the picture. Broken like a guitar string. I sit here and look at myself, and wonder how in the hell I got so fucked up.

The answer is obvious. I've been emotionally abused my entire life by almost everybody around me. From my mother and father to my sisters to my friendships, I have been downtrodden, spat on, and told that I'm worthless. No wonder I started believing it.

My dad tells me that he loves me, that I'm this amazing person that's gonna change the world, and he asks if I believe him, and I say no. I don't believe him. I look at myself and I don't see anything amazing. I see a broken toy. My heart doesn't work right, my mind doesn't work right. It's like someone took a wooden spoon and gave my head a little swirl. "huh, nothing seems to be in the right place any more. Oh well!"

I hate myself. I really just hate myself. Like to the point where I don't actually know any good about myself. I know what people say about me, what my online friends say, but I can't believe a word of it. To me, I'm just this tragic little ball of fuckedupness. I'm emotionally unavailable, I'm bitchy, I'm a pessimist. I hate the world and everything in it. Every day I come home and the first thing I say to my empty apartment is "I quit life." and then I shut down and sit on my computer for the rest of the day.

I do. I quit life. I hate it. I hate feeling alone, and unloved. I hate feeling fucked up and unworthy. I hate feeling like every word out of my mouth is disgusting and unwanted. I've been depressed since I was a kid, I did the self harm schtick, and my family never let me get to the suicidal schtick, and honestly I think I'd be too scared any way. Oh that's another thing I hate about myself. I'm terrified of everything.

And the worst part is I know if I keep going the way I'm going I'm going to become this tragically obese agoraphobic person who winds up on one of those TLC specials for the whole world to look at and go "aw look at the poor fucked up girl. if only she'd try and fix her life."

But I don't know HOW to fix my life because I've never known anything but this. I've never known a life with good self esteem. I've never known a life where anything I had to say was valued. I've never known a life where I was loved unconditionally. I've lived a life where if I let out the pain in my heart nobody want's to hear it. And I'm in so much pain. I'm in so much pain all the time. But I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this prison I've built for my heart. And the worst part is if ever I try to get out of that prison, I immediately get shoved back in.

I'm so trapped and I'm so done. But there's nothing I can do.

I quit. I quit life.

A new page

Time = 11:04 PM

Mood = happy

Music = Where is my Mind by the Pixies

What I SHOULD be doing = surprisingly, nothing

Random fact about me = I could sell ice to an eskimo

So, I took a big step, about a week ago. I decided that I had had enough of all of that dark stuff whirling around me, that I talked to my doctor. Now you have to understand that I've known that I was clinically depressed since I was like, 12. And that's being generous. I'm pretty sure I've been depressed most of my life. But well, I talked to my doctor, and I'm getting help. The thing about depression, ESPECIALLY when it's genetic, is that it's a chemical imbalance. It's not something that's easily fixed with 'therapy' or counselling. Sometimes, just sometimes, something in your brain chemistry needs to be fixed.

I'm on medication now, and I'm really happy. All of the sudden, I've discovered I have the ability to stand up for myself and say what I want to say. Suddenly, I have the self confidence to know what I want to do, and where I want to go, and I'm pretty sure once things actually balance out (they say it takes two to six weeks for everything to ACTUALLY balance out), that I'm gonna find it really easy to actually take the steps I need to get where I want to be.

Oh, and I'm getting a tattoo in the next two weeks. How's that for awesome?

Cheers,

Dragonista

Hear me?

Time = 5:39 PM

Mood = sick

Music = Una Mattina by Ludovico Einaudi

What I SHOULD be doing = having a shower

Random fact about me = Petrichor is my favourite smell

Okay, so I've been through this before, I am really, really bad at saying what I think, saying my actual feeling to anyone, especially regarding confrontation. And really when I feel like a relationship is one sided, it's actually probably because I am the one who made it one sided by not saying what I think.

But the biggest thing about not saying what I think, is that on the off chance, I say what I think to someone I trust, they always write it off. Or worse, they get angry at me for saying what I think and tell me that I'm wrong. Do you have any idea how hard it is to live in a world where it's fine for everybody to tell you what you're doing wrong, to tell you why you're messed up, to tell you the things that you need to fix, to get on your case when you do ONE thing wrong ONCE, and then be unable to say anything to those same people when they do something wrong?

And I feel trapped, because I really want to tell people things. I want to be able to talk freely and openly, and deal with confrontation out in the open, but the truth is, I can't. I actually can't bring myself to do it. It scares the fuck out of me. And it doesn't help that it never EVER goes over well. I can't remember a single time when I've won a confrontation by getting my point across. Somehow it always comes back to me and how I'm wrong.

And it feels horrible, because it seems like there are so many people who just expect me to change around them to fit their lives. I'm not a chameleon who doesn't have their own soul. I have my own thoughts, I have my own feelings, and above all else, I have my own quirks and imperfections. And the hardest, most painful and infuriating thing, is that the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally - my family - are the ones who accept me for who I am the least.

I just want to be allowed to tell the truth.

Dragonista.

Who do I tell?

Time = 12:21 AM

Mood = flat

Music = edge of the ocean by Ivy

What I SHOULD be doing = sleeping

Random face about me = I tease people that I like. People that I dislike I am very VERY nice to.

I feel like I have become the person that everybody talks to about everything. Okay, so I know I am the person that everybody talks to about everything. When my friends, coworkers, and even siblings have an emotional crisis, they usually talk to me. I'm the person who can talk you down, help you see both sides of something, and otherwise makes you feel better. And hey, I'm actually really good at it, I can freely admit that. It's a good feature to have, to be able to help people through crisises. And I'm more than happy to do it. I don't want the people I love feeling depressed and helpless, and I like helping them. I like making them smile, and laugh, and honestly for the most part that is one of my main goals in life.

The trouble lies in what happens when I have a crisis. It's almost like people expect me to be even keeled all the time. What, Dragonista gets fucking pissed at customers who treat her like shit? What, you mean Dragonista has bad days too? What, you mean Dragonista actually has ridiculously low self-esteem? Shocking! I feel like most of the time when I tell the people I love about my problems I am waved off. Dragonista will deal with it. After all, she's the one who helps other people through their problems, I doubt she's dealing with anything too severe right now. And the thing with getting waved off, is I feel like I'm always being a nuisance. I feel like I can't say what I actually think or feel, because clearly nobody cares enough to hear about it.

I once told my sister about this blog. You know what she said? "That's too heavy for me I just can't read it." And okay, I grant you, a lot of the shit I write here is pretty bad, and I highly doubt any of you actually read this stuff any more. Probably you cower in a corner whenever you see an update from me (why are you even following this thing?) but still, my OWN SISTER. Rather than be concerned or maybe even be willing to listen to me vent for a little while, my sister, my OLDER sister, tells me that she can't be bothered. And the logical part of me tells me that that's not what she meant, but the long and short of it is, she's more than happy to dump her emotional melt downs on me, but turn the tables and OH NO, THIS IS WAY TOO HEAVY FOR ME DRAGONISTA TAKE YOUR SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

It leaves me feeling like I don't really have anybody I can honestly talk to. And, if there's anybody reading this, thinking "why doesn't she talk to me?" probably the answer is this: I like you a lot and don't want to turn you off by relying on you.

The thing about being an artist is that I feel things very deeply and strongly. And the problem with being an artist who can't express their feelings is I wind up getting poisoned by things that I actually am incapable of voicing.

And the truth is, I have such low self-esteem, and even as I write this, rather than think maybe it might be okay for somebody to listen to me, I instead think that I must be more selfish than I think I am. After all, who am I to think that I'm worth listening to? Sometimes I try to imagine what I would say to someone like me if they were confiding in me, but the truth is... if I met someone like me, I'd probably hate them.

I should probably privatize this blog so I don't have to subject you guys to this any more.

Dragonista

Things you shouldn't say

Time = 11:23 PM

Mood = mildly disturbed

Music = Alla Luce de Sole - Josh Groban

What I SHOULD be doing = other than sleeping, nothing.

Random fact about me = I study body language for fun

I actually have huge issues with opening up. I mean sure, I can spew all this shit on here, where I'm mostly anonymous (save for those who know my true identity), but when it comes down to it, I'm a very private person. I don't like to tell people when I'm dealing with shit. If there's someone who annoys me, I don't really mention it, I just kind of let it go under the surface and never bring it up. And, unfortunately, it's the same when people do things that bother me. I don't want to break the surface of stuff and start shit. My general philosophy is that I'm a big girl, rather than making life harder for everybody else around me why don't I just deal with it. It's not like anybody needs any more drama.

So when I open up to somebody about this shit, it's kind of a big deal. Because I rarely do it. Really rarely. I have trouble even opening up to my sisters sometimes. I am, so to speak, terrified of what will happen if I say something even remotely controversial. Will I have to defend my way of thinking? What if that one thing I say is the one thing that could convince somebody that I'm a horrible human being who they want nothing to do with.

The problem is, when I open up to someone, I doubt myself. Every time I tell them something, I worry that I've said too much. After all, nobody likes a complainer, right? I tell myself I can trust these people, that it's okay to open up and be a human being, not an emotionless robot, but it's just hard to do sometimes. And it doesn't help when people say the wrong things. Examples, you ask?

"Yeah, everything seems to be upsetting you these days." Okay. First of all, this brings up a deep seated fear that I'm complaining too much. An OH SHIT I'M COMPLAINING TOO MUCH reaction. That doesn't make me want to keep telling people shit. That makes me want to shut up and never speak again. And here's another thing. Just because I'm a really easy going person who doesn't often let things get to her, I HAVE BAD WEEKS TOO. Sometimes things just overflow and I can't deal with it. I'm not a perfect human being, and this comment makes me feel like I'm expected to be. Oh shit, Dragonista's fucked up. Better run for the hills.

"Yeah, but it's not as bad as..." Let's get something straight, people. It doesn't matter whether it's me, Dragonista, or some other friend of yours who is complaining about something. Telling them "it's not as bad as" is the biggest dick move you can pull. You're right, it's not as bad as starvation or living on the street. There are people who would give their right arm to live this life, but the fact of the matter is that EMOTIONS ARE CIRCUMSTANTIAL. So yes, there are worse things, but right now, in this moment, whatever is happening is the worst thing that could be happening. Other people's lives might be worse, but this is not other people's life. This is MY life, as it were. And in MY life, this is a big fucking deal. It'd have to be, for me to say anything.

"You just need to get over it and move on," or some variation thereof. Yes. I will get over it and move on. I'm very. fucking. good at that. But in order for me to get over it and move on I need to talk about it. Maybe my getting over it is occurring while you speak and squash whatever the fuck I was saying. Not to mention, don't I have some sort of right to feel emotional about something? Some bastard just threw a cell phone at my head and I'm supposed to just shrug it off, let it go, and be fine? So before you say that, take a pause. Think about what you're saying, and ask yourself how you'd feel if somebody told that to you.

And I mean honestly, I probably bring this on myself. I don't say things. I keep internalizing and people keep thinking that I'm this perfect person who never has bad days or selfish days, which just makes me seem even worse when they find out I do have them.

You probably shouldn't date me.

Time = 1:14 AM

Mood = Mostly neutral

Music = Edge of the Ocean by Ivy

What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping. Definitely sleeping.

Random fact about me = Even though I looooove sleeping, I can rarely bring myself to do so at a decent hour.

Has anybody ever said to you, "Oh, don't ever date a musician."? I've heard it. I'm sure you've heard it too. Have you ever wondered why everybody tells you to never date a musician? Is there a worldwide vendetta against musicians? I always thought that musicians were pretty cool people. I mean, I'm a musician, and I'm a pretty cool person.

And then I started ...er... 'dating' a guy. If four dates can be called dating. I don't know. The man hasn't even made a move on me. I mean, sure, he hugs me after he drops me off at home, but no hand holding, no kissing, NOTHING. -facepalm- But that isn't the point of this post

The point of this post... is that I'm pretty sure I'm that musician that everybody tells you not to date. This guy is really sweet. (and for those of you wondering, yes, it is the same one I called a fucktard.) Like, really sweet. But the more I get to know him, the more I want to avoid him. And it's nothing about him, particularly. He's not a jerkface, he's not a schmuck, and he's not trying to get into my pants. All my friends thing he's the sweetest dude ever and they all think I should date him.

And I keep trying to think that I can date him, but my brain tells me no. I don't want to settle down. I want to be free to think a man is hot stuff. I want to be free to FLIRT with said hot stuff and not feel bad about it. I want to travel across the world. I want to live in every city I've ever thought was beautiful. I want to study in Vienna. I want to have a sexy, modern one bedroom apartment with a cat. And I don't want a man there with me. I don't want to settle down and get married, and MOST DEFINITELY I do not see myself ever falling deeply for this man. If anything I feel bad. I feel like if I give this guy a chance I'm only going to wind up breaking his heart. And I really don't want to do that.

So now I'm stuck on this crossroads. And I'm a coward. Part of me wants to date this guy, just to experience it. But part of me wants to run. Run far away and hide. Am I afraid of commitment? Definitely. Am I afraid of what my heart might do? Definitely. Am I afraid of getting stuck with something that maybe I didn't want all along? Most certainly.

Pretty much, my brain is a mess. My heart is a mess. The only thing I know is that I don't want to be controlled. I want to run free and do what I want when I want. And no matter how I look at it, I can only view this guy as someone who might hold me back. I feel horrible, but I think that's how I honestly feel.

So there you have it. I am THAT musician. I can only assume this is why people say never to date us. I think I need to date a musician.

So yeah.

Dear Lump,

You're awesome. Really, you are. But I'm probably going to break your heart. So....You probably shouldn't date me.

Love,

Dragonista.

To Starbucks and Beyond

Time = 11:24pm

Mood = flat as flat can be

Music = Secrets by OneRepublic

What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping. I work tomorrow.

Random fact about me = I name all my electronics. Every. Single. One.

So, it's been a while since my last update. I don't imagine I'd be interesting as a blogger to anyone. After all, people want to hear fun stories as well as all my bitchy snarking, but there it is.

I've moved away from home, thank god. No more dramarama between me and my parents. I'm out, working a full time job, paying rent, busing around the city, being an adult. Look at me go. In fact, a little while ago I actually went to a bar, and for the first time, gave my number to a guy. He's a really cool guy, and I've been texting him for about a week.

And if you're thinking "what's this, a decent, normal post from Dragonista?!" think again. Because that guy is the base of this post. The truth is, it's already past and gone, but fuck it, I need to vent, because I still feel miserable.

There are two things, when in direct contact with me, that I cannot stand. Generally the only people I tolerate this with are my family. Anyone else does it, and I'm like 'fuck you.' What are these two things, you ask? Well:

1) I cannot stand when somebody does not show up where they said they'd be when they told me they'd be there.

2) This is completely unacceptable when they do not INFORM me that they will not be there on time.

Combine these two things, and you will have a very pissed, out of kilter Dragonista. Now, what, you ask, does this have to do with the guy I've been texting? Well, he asked me out to coffee. And guess what! He did both of those things. I wasted a fucking hour and a half busing to where we'd said we'd meet, waiting for him, and walking home when I realized he wasn't going to show.

His later excuse? He'd. Fucking. Slept. In. IF YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE, TURN UP YOUR DAMN ALARM, AND CHARGE YOUR DAMN PHONE, YOU FUCKTARD.

Suffice to say, it ruined the rest of my day. The first time I give my number to a guy, the first time I actually agree to go out with one, the fucktard stands me up. I'd call him fucktard, but I use the term to broadly, so for the sake of naming everyone, his name will be Lump.

Honestly... the biggest problem is that I really like Lump. I think he's a really cool guy, and I think I get along with him great. This is a problem because if I didn't like him, I'd tell him to go fuck himself, be righteously pissed for an hour or two, and get over it. But I like him. I want to see him again, and I want to give him another chance.

The result? There's nothing for me to put this pot of roiling emotion into. I can't very well cuss Lump out if I want to have any semblance of a friendship or something thereof with him after the fact.

To make matters worse, he sent me paragraphs and paragraphs of apologies. And not just generic ones, he was really, really sorry. Sure, I let him stew, ignored his texts for about an hour, but the fact remains that the sweetness of those texts got to me, and I'm giving him a second chance. So I'm going to do the only thing I can do in this circumstance. Write the bastard an anonymous letter.

Dear Lump,

Next time you agree to meet someone, specifically me, take every. fucking. precaution. to make sure that you're on time. Because they might have other shit to do, rather than waste their day, like, oh, I don't know, clean their room, have a relaxing day off, etc. Because of your fucktardery, and your asshattery, I spent about half of my only day off of the week teetering between wanting to cry and wanting to cuss out the world. Every. Bitchy. Part. Of. Me. wants me to tell you to fuck off, and take your apologies elsewhere. Feel bad for the rest of your life knowing that you missed your only chance to get to know me, but that's not going to happen.

I'm going to agree to see you again, and you're going to feel relieved, but do not rest. Not for one moment. You are not out of danger. Next time we meet, I am giving you 10 minutes to show. If you do not show, I am leaving, and no matter how much you apologize, I am never speaking to you again. Except maybe to tell you to fuck off. So don't fuck up your second chance. Please. I don't want to deal with this shit again.

Fuck you very much,

Dragonista.