I'd like to trade in my blood please.

Time = 10:05 PM

Mood = FUCKING PISSED OMFG

Music = Ghost Town by Shiny Toy Guns

What I SHOULD be doing = Cleaning the kitchen

Random fact about me = I hate my cousins! Surprise!

Okay. So, I don't even know how linear this blog is going to be, but I'm so fucking pissed off that I have to write it. My family on my dad's family are the most judgemental, codependant people that I know. I think that they are the people I have come the closest to hating, all my life. When I was a little girl, I didn't exist to them. My grandmother frequently called me fat, and my aunts fed the leftovers to the fat girl. My cousins overlooked me because I was younger than them. Pretty much, I was the rat running around. "Oh, careful, don't step on Dragonista!"

When I grew up and moved to a different Province, I didn't have ANY contact with these people. At all. I mean, once or twice we did family get togethers for holidays, but I was overlooked during those as well. And when my parents divorced, I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with them. They didn't contact me, or try to talk to me at all. Pretty much, there was no contact whatsoever.

So, for all of you darlings who don't know, I'm moving in a month. I have the most beautiful apartment ever, and I am so. fucking. excited for it. So, I did a facebook update, all caps, and said OMG OMG OMG. And my cousin (remember, this is the person I have had NO contact with for upwards of 3 years) sends me a private facebook message, and this is what he says

"I'm not trying to sound " holier than thou" but in your post you used OMG. Everyone knows that means "oh my God". I don't think you would use that phrase in conversation and I don't think you would type that out on Facebook. Being initials doesn't make it any better. I only say this because as Christians we need to live to, and call each other to, a higher standard. I hope you won't be offended by this email."

I can't fucking believe this asshat. He has absolutely no relationship with me, and yet he thinks this kind of shit is okay? Well it's not! What a fucktard. I mean, when I read it, I actually laughed out loud. He's such a pompous little bastard! But then I started to get angry. This person doesn't even KNOW me, and he's trying to tell me what to do? If I could, I would have told him to go fuck himself, because I couldn't care less about what he thought about me. Now, the tricky thing is that my dad seems to love defending these fucktards, so I have to be careful how bitchy I am, lest my dad get mad at me for telling them to fuck off.

So this was my reply:

"I can't even.

Guess what, I am offended. You have absolutely no right to say this to me, as I have no relationship with you. What I do and do not say is none of your concern. If you send me a message like this again, I'm removing you from my facebook.

Oh, and by the way, you do sound "holier than thou", maybe you should get that checked out"

That wasn't what I wanted to say though. I wanted to say:

"How dare you?! You don't even know me, and yet you're trying to censor me? Fuck off! You're such a judgemental biggot, I would be happy if I never talked to you again! If I burn in hell for my language, than that's MY problem, not yours! Fuck you and your higher state of living! If that anal way of living is what you call higher living, than I think I'd rather be a slug. If you judge people based on how they talk, than you're such a fucking biggot I don't even know what to say to you!

You have never cared about me, so why the fuck should I listen to you? How can you claim to know what I do and do not say? You haven't spoken to me for any significant space of time. Ever. In all the nineteen years of my life. Go fuck yourself, and tell the rest of the family to fuck themselves too."

I can't believe I'm related to people like this! And if you're wondering, my father's entire family is like that! Codependant and judgemental biggots! I can't believe I share the same BLOOD as these monsters! They're appalling! They're disgusting! I want to change my family name and be rid of them forever!

So please, I'd like to trade in my blood.

Dragonista

Wait, what?

Time = 11:02PM

Mood = stunned

Music = Florence and the Machine

What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping, like as not

Random fact about me = I am a complete manga and anime otaku. shh.

I think I just did something crazy.

Actually, I know I just did something crazy.

I quit university.

I just sent in my letter of withdrawal by email, I've made it facebook official, there's no turning back now. And I don't want to turn back. I know that this is a good decision for me. I made a huge decision, and the only thing to do now is stand by it and take whatever comes. And that, my friends, is an electrifying, though terrifying concept.

I'm still reeling from this. I'm stunned at the decision I just made, and amazed at how fast my life has done a 180 turn and is sending me in a completely different direction than what I was thinking I was doomed for only a few weeks ago.

Instead of jetting off to University in a few days, I'm staying here. In a few months time, I'm going to move to a city, and get a job. There are things that I need to get in order, like a place to live, and a roommate, a job. I'm going to take piano lessons and better my abilities for a year, get myself more confident, and then try University again in a year.

I'm scared. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. This is entirely unknown for me. I don't know anything about living on my own, and I haven't had a decent job. Ever. It's like going cliff jumping for the first time. Everyone tells you it's going to be awesome, and you believe them, but as you go to the edge of the cliff for the first time, all you can think is "what the fuck did I just sign myself up for?"

But there it is. I've quit university and am taking a flying leap off a cliff. Figuratively, darlings, figuratively. I refuse to go to a school that charges me upwards of 23-27 thousand dollars for a year, when another school charges only 14 thousand. I hit a fork in the roads, and I turned left, so to speak, and that's all there is to it.

I can explain til I'm blue in the face why I'm doing it, but the fact of the matter is, in the long run, the best answer (and probably not so acceptable) is that it just FEELS right. Feels scary as hell, to be sure, but it feels right. This is the first decision in my life that I've ever made based only on myself, and not on anybody else around me, and for that, I'm very, very proud of myself. I'm an adult now, and the only person I can make decisions for is me, and I've just done it.

Scared as hell, but I'm still smiling as I take my flying leap.

Wish me luck,

Dragonista