To Starbucks and Beyond

Time = 11:24pm

Mood = flat as flat can be

Music = Secrets by OneRepublic

What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping. I work tomorrow.

Random fact about me = I name all my electronics. Every. Single. One.

So, it's been a while since my last update. I don't imagine I'd be interesting as a blogger to anyone. After all, people want to hear fun stories as well as all my bitchy snarking, but there it is.

I've moved away from home, thank god. No more dramarama between me and my parents. I'm out, working a full time job, paying rent, busing around the city, being an adult. Look at me go. In fact, a little while ago I actually went to a bar, and for the first time, gave my number to a guy. He's a really cool guy, and I've been texting him for about a week.

And if you're thinking "what's this, a decent, normal post from Dragonista?!" think again. Because that guy is the base of this post. The truth is, it's already past and gone, but fuck it, I need to vent, because I still feel miserable.

There are two things, when in direct contact with me, that I cannot stand. Generally the only people I tolerate this with are my family. Anyone else does it, and I'm like 'fuck you.' What are these two things, you ask? Well:

1) I cannot stand when somebody does not show up where they said they'd be when they told me they'd be there.

2) This is completely unacceptable when they do not INFORM me that they will not be there on time.

Combine these two things, and you will have a very pissed, out of kilter Dragonista. Now, what, you ask, does this have to do with the guy I've been texting? Well, he asked me out to coffee. And guess what! He did both of those things. I wasted a fucking hour and a half busing to where we'd said we'd meet, waiting for him, and walking home when I realized he wasn't going to show.

His later excuse? He'd. Fucking. Slept. In. IF YOU HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE, TURN UP YOUR DAMN ALARM, AND CHARGE YOUR DAMN PHONE, YOU FUCKTARD.

Suffice to say, it ruined the rest of my day. The first time I give my number to a guy, the first time I actually agree to go out with one, the fucktard stands me up. I'd call him fucktard, but I use the term to broadly, so for the sake of naming everyone, his name will be Lump.

Honestly... the biggest problem is that I really like Lump. I think he's a really cool guy, and I think I get along with him great. This is a problem because if I didn't like him, I'd tell him to go fuck himself, be righteously pissed for an hour or two, and get over it. But I like him. I want to see him again, and I want to give him another chance.

The result? There's nothing for me to put this pot of roiling emotion into. I can't very well cuss Lump out if I want to have any semblance of a friendship or something thereof with him after the fact.

To make matters worse, he sent me paragraphs and paragraphs of apologies. And not just generic ones, he was really, really sorry. Sure, I let him stew, ignored his texts for about an hour, but the fact remains that the sweetness of those texts got to me, and I'm giving him a second chance. So I'm going to do the only thing I can do in this circumstance. Write the bastard an anonymous letter.

Dear Lump,

Next time you agree to meet someone, specifically me, take every. fucking. precaution. to make sure that you're on time. Because they might have other shit to do, rather than waste their day, like, oh, I don't know, clean their room, have a relaxing day off, etc. Because of your fucktardery, and your asshattery, I spent about half of my only day off of the week teetering between wanting to cry and wanting to cuss out the world. Every. Bitchy. Part. Of. Me. wants me to tell you to fuck off, and take your apologies elsewhere. Feel bad for the rest of your life knowing that you missed your only chance to get to know me, but that's not going to happen.

I'm going to agree to see you again, and you're going to feel relieved, but do not rest. Not for one moment. You are not out of danger. Next time we meet, I am giving you 10 minutes to show. If you do not show, I am leaving, and no matter how much you apologize, I am never speaking to you again. Except maybe to tell you to fuck off. So don't fuck up your second chance. Please. I don't want to deal with this shit again.

Fuck you very much,

Dragonista.

Yes. I Am a Bitch. Get Over It.

Time = 11:54

Mood = overwhelmed and underappreciated

Music = The Cave by Mumford and Sons

What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping, like as not.

Random fact about me = me waking me up in the morning - ok. Someone else waking me up in the morning - gdiaf, you fucking moron.

So here's the thing: I'm a bitch. Deep down, inside of me, in that deep dark recess that never surfaces in real life, I'm a bitch. I like making fun of people and circumstances. I'm sarcastic, and I don't have a lot of patience for people who, well, try my patience. I don't like people who never stop talking in an attempt to win my appreciation. I don't like people who say they're good at something when they suck. And I especially hate people telling me what I think, what I know, or who I am. And inside, I hate them. A lot. I gripe, and I bitch, and I tell them to go fuck themselves. IN. MY. MIND. (and in this blog, obviously.)

But in real nice, I'm a very thoughtful person. I'm the one giving out massages and never asking for one even though my neck hurts. I'm the person who squishes herself up against the dashboard in the front seat so that the people behind her can have more room. I let people sleep on my shoulder, I comfort people who need crying, and I coach people through their crisises. And I honestly don't begrudge this. I like helping people, as weird and backwards as it may seem. Even if I hate someone's guts... If they're down in the dumps and I can make them smile, I will try my damnedest.

However, the fact remains, that there are people who piss me off. There are things - pet peeves, so to speak, that I just cannot handle. And you know, the trick is. I never say anything. Even if I wish someone would get the fuck out and never, ever speak to me again, I will never. EVER. say it out loud. The people that I hate never know that I hate them. I treat them kindly because I figure everybody needs some kindness in their lives.

But where does all that bitch energy go? Well, if I don't write a blog, it goes into me making fun of people to my sister. But she doesn't want to hear it. And she tells me that I'm being mean and she just can't handle it. It's so fucking frustrating. YES, I am a bitch. YES, I enjoy making fun of people. NO, I don't let it come out in public, but if you can't be who you really are with family, then who CAN you be who you really are with?

No one.

This is a very difficult subject for me, to be honest, and it's one that I've struggled with for most my life. I'm aware of this dark part of me. This part of me that wants to degrade everyone who pisses me off. The part of me that writes this blog. The part of me that makes me want to avoid people that I dislike. And, well, there's a part of me that thinks this is okay. Maybe it's normal. But everybody in my life tells me different. Whenever that part of me accidentally surfaces, I get verbally pummelled so hard I hurt for weeks. The people that I am closest to in my life, are telling me this:

You will never, ever be able to be who you truly are. Because the minute that comes out, nobody's going to like you. Ever.

It's a great feeling, let me tell you. I have constantly lived in fear that people are going to find out about this piece of me, and when they do, they're going to tell me I'm a horrible, horrible person who doesn't deserve to have any friends. If my own family can't stand that part of me, how will I ever find people who aren't FORCED to have contact with me by blood to love me?

To tell the truth, I'm struggling right now. I feel like the invisible, overlooked person. My one sister is pregnant, her husband never stops talking, and the other sister, (rightfully) has decided that she's not fixing anything. But for other sister, that means that she tells you to gtfo if you try to talk about your feelings. And my mum's in surgery (and before she wasn't she was pretty much using me as a slave). I'm lonely, bossed around, and talked over. Nobody seems to give a rats ass about what I have to say... and fuck it, I'm complaining.

Hopefully I'll get around to more flaming in the near future.

Love,

Dragonista.

I'd like to trade in my blood please.

Time = 10:05 PM

Mood = FUCKING PISSED OMFG

Music = Ghost Town by Shiny Toy Guns

What I SHOULD be doing = Cleaning the kitchen

Random fact about me = I hate my cousins! Surprise!

Okay. So, I don't even know how linear this blog is going to be, but I'm so fucking pissed off that I have to write it. My family on my dad's family are the most judgemental, codependant people that I know. I think that they are the people I have come the closest to hating, all my life. When I was a little girl, I didn't exist to them. My grandmother frequently called me fat, and my aunts fed the leftovers to the fat girl. My cousins overlooked me because I was younger than them. Pretty much, I was the rat running around. "Oh, careful, don't step on Dragonista!"

When I grew up and moved to a different Province, I didn't have ANY contact with these people. At all. I mean, once or twice we did family get togethers for holidays, but I was overlooked during those as well. And when my parents divorced, I had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with them. They didn't contact me, or try to talk to me at all. Pretty much, there was no contact whatsoever.

So, for all of you darlings who don't know, I'm moving in a month. I have the most beautiful apartment ever, and I am so. fucking. excited for it. So, I did a facebook update, all caps, and said OMG OMG OMG. And my cousin (remember, this is the person I have had NO contact with for upwards of 3 years) sends me a private facebook message, and this is what he says

"I'm not trying to sound " holier than thou" but in your post you used OMG. Everyone knows that means "oh my God". I don't think you would use that phrase in conversation and I don't think you would type that out on Facebook. Being initials doesn't make it any better. I only say this because as Christians we need to live to, and call each other to, a higher standard. I hope you won't be offended by this email."

I can't fucking believe this asshat. He has absolutely no relationship with me, and yet he thinks this kind of shit is okay? Well it's not! What a fucktard. I mean, when I read it, I actually laughed out loud. He's such a pompous little bastard! But then I started to get angry. This person doesn't even KNOW me, and he's trying to tell me what to do? If I could, I would have told him to go fuck himself, because I couldn't care less about what he thought about me. Now, the tricky thing is that my dad seems to love defending these fucktards, so I have to be careful how bitchy I am, lest my dad get mad at me for telling them to fuck off.

So this was my reply:

"I can't even.

Guess what, I am offended. You have absolutely no right to say this to me, as I have no relationship with you. What I do and do not say is none of your concern. If you send me a message like this again, I'm removing you from my facebook.

Oh, and by the way, you do sound "holier than thou", maybe you should get that checked out"

That wasn't what I wanted to say though. I wanted to say:

"How dare you?! You don't even know me, and yet you're trying to censor me? Fuck off! You're such a judgemental biggot, I would be happy if I never talked to you again! If I burn in hell for my language, than that's MY problem, not yours! Fuck you and your higher state of living! If that anal way of living is what you call higher living, than I think I'd rather be a slug. If you judge people based on how they talk, than you're such a fucking biggot I don't even know what to say to you!

You have never cared about me, so why the fuck should I listen to you? How can you claim to know what I do and do not say? You haven't spoken to me for any significant space of time. Ever. In all the nineteen years of my life. Go fuck yourself, and tell the rest of the family to fuck themselves too."

I can't believe I'm related to people like this! And if you're wondering, my father's entire family is like that! Codependant and judgemental biggots! I can't believe I share the same BLOOD as these monsters! They're appalling! They're disgusting! I want to change my family name and be rid of them forever!

So please, I'd like to trade in my blood.

Dragonista

Wait, what?

Time = 11:02PM

Mood = stunned

Music = Florence and the Machine

What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping, like as not

Random fact about me = I am a complete manga and anime otaku. shh.

I think I just did something crazy.

Actually, I know I just did something crazy.

I quit university.

I just sent in my letter of withdrawal by email, I've made it facebook official, there's no turning back now. And I don't want to turn back. I know that this is a good decision for me. I made a huge decision, and the only thing to do now is stand by it and take whatever comes. And that, my friends, is an electrifying, though terrifying concept.

I'm still reeling from this. I'm stunned at the decision I just made, and amazed at how fast my life has done a 180 turn and is sending me in a completely different direction than what I was thinking I was doomed for only a few weeks ago.

Instead of jetting off to University in a few days, I'm staying here. In a few months time, I'm going to move to a city, and get a job. There are things that I need to get in order, like a place to live, and a roommate, a job. I'm going to take piano lessons and better my abilities for a year, get myself more confident, and then try University again in a year.

I'm scared. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't. This is entirely unknown for me. I don't know anything about living on my own, and I haven't had a decent job. Ever. It's like going cliff jumping for the first time. Everyone tells you it's going to be awesome, and you believe them, but as you go to the edge of the cliff for the first time, all you can think is "what the fuck did I just sign myself up for?"

But there it is. I've quit university and am taking a flying leap off a cliff. Figuratively, darlings, figuratively. I refuse to go to a school that charges me upwards of 23-27 thousand dollars for a year, when another school charges only 14 thousand. I hit a fork in the roads, and I turned left, so to speak, and that's all there is to it.

I can explain til I'm blue in the face why I'm doing it, but the fact of the matter is, in the long run, the best answer (and probably not so acceptable) is that it just FEELS right. Feels scary as hell, to be sure, but it feels right. This is the first decision in my life that I've ever made based only on myself, and not on anybody else around me, and for that, I'm very, very proud of myself. I'm an adult now, and the only person I can make decisions for is me, and I've just done it.

Scared as hell, but I'm still smiling as I take my flying leap.

Wish me luck,

Dragonista

Happy Birthday to Meeee

Time = 2:25 AM

Mood = slightly drunk.

Music = Lovedrunk

What I SHOULD be doing = drinking TONS of water so I don't have a hangover in the morning

Random fact about me = APPARENTLY, I can hold my liquor very well.

Hello my darlings!

So, probably I shouldn't be writing this in my condition, but the truth is, I'm kind of sleepy, and I need to drink all my water before I crash! Today is the day that I turned 19. Now, currently, I'm in a province where 18 is the legal drinking age, but at 19, I am legal EVERYWHERE IN CANADA, BABY. So I went out to a bar and sang karaoke tonight. I had a LOT of fun.

Dearests, I am sorry, because I know my normally coherent Dragonista brain is slightly clouded. I wouldn't say I'm drunk, since I still have my equilibrium, and obviously, can type coherently without typos! But buzzed, definitely! Be impressed with me, because apparently I can hold my liquor damn well. I had 2 pornstar cocktails (google pornstar drink ingredients, if you're curious, 3 pornstar shots (see previous), 1 shot of coconut rum, 2 bottlecaps (google it), and 3 rum and cokes. Look at that list of alcohol! Now look back at what I said before. I'm not even tipsy! Over all, I think the night was successful! If only because now I know that my more conniving friends cannot get me drunk easily. Score!

So, over the night, I don't know how many songs I sang, so I will list them all, and describe my experiences as best I remember them.

So first I sang... fuck what did I sing... Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. It was the first song I've EVER sang in Karaoke, and I was sooo fucking nervous. My voice was all shakey, and I was so annoyed with myself. but then I got to the chorus and did kickass, and then went back to shakey voice. BUT, there's this one part where you hit a high note and hold it, and I did it and the whole bar cheered! So that was my first song.

Next I sang...Who I am Hates Who I've Been by Relient K. Second time around, my voice was less shakey, but it was still a litttle rough. Still, I love that song so fucking much, I had a great time and almost completely forgot that I was singing in front of people!

The next song was The Middle by Jimmy-Eat-World, and I did exceptionally well, because all my nerves were gone. It was so fun. I love the bit where you're like Ehhvruthing, ehhvruthing. It's a great deal of fun.

Now, by this point I'd ingested a bunch of alcohol, so the series of events is a bit blurry. I sang Think of Me, Phantom of the Opera style, and did pretty well. I think the bar people were like WTMF OPERA?! but I still sang it because I kick ass like that. Then a lovely gay man who I've never met before runs up to me and is like "Let's duet!" so I sang Don't Stop Believing by Journey with him, and also sang If I Never See Your Face Again by Maroon 5 and Rihanna. So two duets with a gay guy. His 'stage name' was Danny Gay. And I loved him, he was so adorable! Somewhere in that mix I sang Fidelity by Regina Spektor, and KILLED IT. I did SO FUCKING AWESOME. I was really proud of myself. I also sang Hotel Song by Regina Spektor because I fucking love her and she's awesome.

And so, this is the story of your lovely Dragonista's 19th birthday party. IN which she got mildly buzzed for the first time in her life, and it took an elephant load of alcohol to do it! I am going to go drink gallons of water now in an attempt to avoid a hangover. Are you impressed with my ability to articulate with that much alcohol in my system? I am.

Much love,

Dragonista. (Also, look, happy, nonbitchy post FTW)

Spazztastic

Time = 11: 05PM

Mood = Annoyed

Music = Terminals by Relient K (on repeat)

What I SHOULD be doing = I have nooo idea

Random fact about me = I am allergic to mustard.

So, Really, I can't go into a lot of details about this. Actually, I don't really want to go into a lot of detail about this. You don't even need to know what this is about. I just need to spazz. This is probably going to be the shortest blog in the history of To Be Brutally Honest, but here it is, nonetheless.

DEAR RANDOM PERSON,

I HATE YOUR IDEAS, THEY FUCKING SUCK.

NO LOVE AT ALL,

IN FACT, FUCK YOU,

No love,

Dragonista.

Let it gooooooooo

Time = 11:43PM

Mood = vaguely annoyed/slightly amused

Music = Alfie by Lily Allen

What I SHOULD be doing = getting ready to sleep

Random fact about me = I've named all of my electronics.

Okay, so, here's something that I think is both funny and tragic. There's this girl, who I'm not really friends with. She's friends with another friend of mine, and because I try to be nice, I've been nice to her. She's made it quite clear that she doesn't like me, and that, by extension, has made me dislike her. If only because she's made snap judgments about me and always makes herself out to be the victim of situations that I'm not even being mean about.

Well anyways, enough about her. For the sake of making fun of her, because I'm feeling especially snarky tonight, we're gonna call her Gerbil. Well anyway, since I came home for the summer, and left my University, I haven't so much as heard boo from Gerbil. And frankly, I'm quite content with this. I don't like her, so I'm happy to be off of her radar and not have to tolerate her.

Well, out of the blue, she facebook messages me, and is all "OMFG I CANNOT GET AHOLD OF OUR MUTUAL FRIEND AND IT'S URGENT". To which really, I was like l.o.l. Well, I made suggestions of why MF (mutual friend) wasn't on the phone, not limited to "maybe her phone is dead" and "maybe she's driving" Well, Gerbil knows MF's schedule, apparently, and knew exactly where MF would be, and didn't get why MF wasn't answering her phone. So what does Gerbil do? Why, Gerbil makes /me/ call MF, just in case MF just isn't answering for Gerbil.

Laughing the whole way, I obliged, and, surprise surprise, couldn't get ahold of MF. Which I told her. Now I assumed that this would be the end of it. Gerbil's made it very clear that she doesn't like me, so I assumed that she wouldn't want to talk to me once I'd lived out my usefulness. I assumed wrong. No, instead, she continues to fill me in on all of her plans and why MF needs to call Gerbil, or else everything's going to go wrong in the morning! -gasp-

Okay, honestly, I think we can all guess what I was thinking. For those of you who can't guess, here it is: I was thinking "Do you really think that I give a fuck about this? Why should I care about your shit and anxiety when you're not even my friend. Oh so sad and funny and clingy. Just let it go, muffin, you're not as important as you think you are." Yup. Okay, so I probably played that up a bit and added some words, but that's the gist of it.

On a totally, completely unrelated tangent, I am delighted to announce that Whiny and Annoying are not coming back to school next year! Whiny doesn't have enough money. I feel kinda bad about delighting in her misfortune, but dude, all I can think about is that there's NO WAY that she's going to REQUEST ME AS HER ROOMMATE. Therefore, I am delighted. As for Annoying, she's taking a year off to go to South Africa. I think she's looking for closure, and frankly, all I can say is "good on ya!" I hope she gets closure, and I couldn't be happier that she's not getting closure anywhere near me! The further away, the better!

Alright, darlings, that's the update on Dragonista.

Lots of love,

Dragonista.

Questions, Queries, Ponderances...

Time = 1:41 AM

Mood = Tired

Music = Pleasure (pleasure) by Bang Camaro

What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping, like as not.

Random face about me = Every morning I wake up with a random song stuck in my head.

So I've been thinking, and I've realized a couple of things. The first thing is that I do not handle stress well. And when I say stress, I really mean anything that puts stress on me emotionally. Whether that be an unexpected deadline, manipulations coming from multiple sources, not having a steady place to call home, or even pressure to do something that I will eventually get around to. Clearly, all of these things have happened to me recently. Why? Because life is a nasty thing and likes to pile things onto me instead of letting me deal with things one at a time.

When I get stressed, I just shut down, and no amount of coaxing can get me back to work. The only thing to do is let me recover, and then I'll work as quickly as I can without rushing. But all of this has made me wonder why I am so constantly unsatisfied with life. Why is it that one small action of my Mom or my Aunt leaves me feeling uncontrollably perturbed? Why am I so focused on receiving the approval of my friends?

I'm starting to realize that I can't coast through life as a perfectionist. Sometimes, life gets messy, and the only thing you can do is say "well, this is a shit hole." What are you going to do? No matter how much dish soap you pour into a shit hole, it's still a shit hole. It just might smell a little bit less like one. But if you look at it, you know exactly what it is. Life would be so much easier if people stopped trying to pour dish soap into their shit holes, and just called a spade a spade. Rather than running around trying to cover up the smell, why not work at the mess piece by piece until it's cleaned up?

Another thing I'm starting to realize is that I need to surround myself with people who like me. This sounds stupid, but it makes sense. Rather than surrounding myself with people that I constantly feel like I have to be better - to live up to their standards, I can surround myself with people who like me for me. All my faults included. I feel like this is very idealistic, and the pessimistic optimist inside of me wonders if it would ever actually work in this world.

What I don't get is why everybody is so damn appearance oriented! The president has bowel movements just like the rest of us. It's a fact of life. Paris Hilton gets depressed and stuffs her face with chocolate. She's female, she's got to have done it. So why do we put these people up on a pedestal of perfection? We know they're not perfect, so why do we expect them to be perfect? Why do models have to starve themselves to be in the public eye? Where did all of these social stigmas come from? And maybe the biggest question of all.... Why aren't people thinking about this?

Someone I know told me today, "Freedom is just an illusion". Now this is extreme, but I've been thinking about it. Freedom is an illusion. They say we're free to choose what we wear, but every season change comes with new styles, and god forbid if you're wearing something from last season! Radio stations play the most popular songs, doing stuff like top ten. They're saying, "everybody else is listening to this, why aren't you?" I'm not a big conspiracy theorist, but think about it. Our entire lives are dictated by others. We work hard to impress someone. We work hard to get money to buy the clothes and the trinkets and the music that are the must haves of the season. We tread lightly to avoid hurting people's feelings, or we tread heartlessly to hurt people's feelings. We rely on other people for opinions on ourselves.

Actually, that one deserves an entire paragraph of it's own. Why rely on people's opinions of you when they come out with things like "You're fat" or "You're an ugly cow" or "You'll never amount to anything"? If you let people talk you down like that, then you'll talk yourself down like that. And the result? incredibly low self esteem. The result of low self esteem is fishing for more compliments, hoping somebody will tell you that you're worth something. Inevitably, because you don't believe in yourself, people will put you down. They will see you as an easy target to build themselves, and crumble your fragile self esteem. And thus it becomes a vicious cycle. What if the entire world stopped caring what other people thought? What if people started doing what they loved, loving how they felt, and feeling without inhibitions? I know, right, revolutionary idea.

Think on it.

Dragonista.

Just let me grow up

Time = 1:02 AM

Mood = Bitchy, Teary, Emotional, Rebellious, Conflicted, Stressed shall I go on?

Music = Panic! at the Disco

What I SHOULD be doing = who knows?

This is so fucked up. seriously. Guh. Okay, so here's the thing. I'm the baby of the family. I'm graduated, and going into my second year of university? What does this mean? I'm growing up. I'm gaining maturity, and I want my own life, separate from my parents. I don't want them to control my life. I don't want them to have any right in my life. Fuck.

Okay, so point number one. Debt. I have student loans. Yeah. Because university is fucking expensive and I can't go if I don't get them. Well, my dad doesn't like that. He thinks that student loans are terrible, terrible debt, and that you should never ever go into debt for anything. That's bullshit. To me, loans are an investment. If I don't go to university, then I can't get a good job anyway, so why the fuck would I fret about it when I know I have to go to university to get a good job? I have explained this to him so. many. fucking. times. The man doesn't listen. He only has a one track mind. And in his mind, I'm fucking my life up with loans.

Actually, most of this shit has to do with money. Meet my dad. He's obsessed with money, but god forbid if you ever tell him that. He doesn't think he is. He just thinks he's realistic. That's bullshit. He's completely obsessed with money. He wants to have money, but he doesn't really have a reason for it. He's not saving for anything, he's not even living a good life, but no, money is important. He keeps constant tabs on the economy. Essentially, he is completely, and totally paranoid about money. He believes that you should always, always buy things on sale. Never pay any more than you have to for shit. Stick it to the fucking man. Oh course, in his mind, it's realism. But let me tell you, that is some fucking paranoid realism you've got going on there, man.

Point number two? A job. Now, I have only had one in my life, so I pretty much fail at resumes. So, I wrote one up on Monday, and sent it to my sister to get her to look at it. She didn't. Monday night, I asked my dad to look at it to tell me if it was okay. He told me he was busy. Every. Single. Fucking. Night. from Monday to Thursday. So here I am, sitting with an unfinished resume. Well, I finally got him to look at it on Thursday, and he told me how I could fix it. So I did. And got him to look at it today, Friday. He told me that it was good. Seems normal so far, right? Well, that's when things went down hill again. So he looks at my resume, and talks about how I really need to get myself out there, or the high school kids are going to beat me to a job, and then I'll never get a good job all summer. In dad speak, that pretty much means LOL YOU'RE FUCKED. Agh! It just pisses me off so much! I haven't had a chance to get out there because my resume wasn't finished until tonight. I had no opportunity to get in there. So then, he tells me to look up jobs, and hovers over my fucking shoulder so that I fucking do what he says. As I expected, the only job online is a lawn mower. Employment is hard here, no matter when you get your resume in. My big sister went a year and a half with no job. Apparently, my dad didn't get the memo. No, on his watch, if you don't get a job, you're being a lazy ass.

So then, I finally tell him to stop hovering, seconds away from saying something like STFU, GTFO, GDIAF, and thank god, he goes away. I finally start to calm down, after having been worked up into a nauseous stress ball, when he goes to bed. I'm like, thank god, now I can recover. Life's funny. It really likes fucking you up. It's like, LOL YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE DONE? NO WAY! and my dad comes out and starts talking about how he's sorry, and it's just that he doesn't know how to support me. See, this is where I'm an idiot. My dad always does this, and I always think he's ready to talk. He's never ready to talk. He pretends to be understanding, but he doesn't listen. He never fucking listens. He is always in the right. He's even right saying he's not always in the right. Ikr? so, to be honest, I can't actually remember what I said. All I remember is that he didn't listen to me. And that he pretty much repeated what he always says. In a round about way, he tells me that I'm not being realistic. He informs me that I'm fucking myself by getting into debt, he thinks that I'm immature and irresponsible, and that unless I see things the way he does, I'm an idiot. Real feelgood stuff, let me tell you. I ended the conversation telling him that no matter how hard he tried, I would never, ever, see the world the way he saw it.

He tells me he doesn't know how to be supportive. Well, I wish I could tell him how, because I have the answer, I just can't say it. I want him to let me grow up. I want him to let me make mistakes and screw myself over. I want him to let me learn how to live life. Because it's sure as hell a lot harder when he's trying to make my life mini-dad. I'm not like him. He's a linear thinking, a mathematician. I'm a musician. an artist. I just want him to let me grow up and make my own mistakes. I want him to stop trying to control my life. I want him to stop telling me what to do. I know I'll screw myself over sometimes. I'm growing up, it happens, but it's my problem, and I'll deal with it when it comes. Honestly the way he hovers is just his way of telling me he has absolutely no faith whatsoever that I'm going to grow up okay. Do you have any idea how discouraging it is to know that both your parents don't believe you have the capacity to make it on your own? Pretty. Fucking. discouraging.

And that's where I end it.

Dragonista out.

Yeah, I have Changed.

Time = 10:09PM

Mood = Bitchy

Music = Bryn by Vampire Weekend

What I SHOULD be doing = Probably apologizing to the woman I'm going to bitch about.

Okay, so, New person introduction. Lol. You didn't think that I'd stop blogging once I got away from school, did you? No, there are annoying people everywhere. I swear they stalk me.

Meet Stick-In-The-Mud, or SITM for short. I went to high school with her. Ninth Grade to Twelfth. The funny thing? SITM used to be my best friend. We were inseparable. We laughed about shit, we cried about shit. She was probably one of the most important people in my life. I valued her opinion of me more than any other friends.

So what happened? Why am I bitching about her? Well, I went to University. And she did not. While I was in Uni, learning shit, and growing up, she stayed in our home town and worked at Superstore, pining away for her unrequited love in high school. Real classy, I know. Well anyway, I have changed a lot, since a year ago. A year ago, I was a simpering little idiot who couldn't stand up for herself worth shit. I never said anything that might step on people's toes, and let people walk all over me. A year ago, I was an insecure mess who didn't think she deserved anything good.

Now, I am stronger. -breaks into song- THAN YESTERDAY, AIN'T NOTHING BUT ANOTHER DAY MY - anyway. I don't let people shit on me, and I sure as hell think I deserve something good. I don't sit in a corner and mope any more. I'm a happy, healthy woman, on her way in life. I have goals, I have dreams, and no fucktard is going to tell me I can't do it. No siree, I know where I'm headed, and I'm going there. Dreams or Bust. That's me, Dragonista.

She thinks I'm an idiot with money. What with the fact that my tuition is 27K, and I'm in the music program, which, let's face it, doesn't bring a ton of money at first. She's told me that it's stupid. And I told her to fuck off, because my money is none of her fucking business. To be honest, recently, I've been snapping at her a lot. Part of the reason is that I'm comfortable with her, but the truth is, I hate where she's at right now.

Because she's exactly where she was a year ago. She hasn't changed at all. She hasn't matured at all. She's the exact same person she was when I left my home town. And now, we're suddenly at odds. I'm not the person who left, and she wants me to be. She hates who I am now. She wants me to change back. But I can't change back. Who I am is who I am. Telling me to change back is like telling an ape to fly. It ain't gonna work, baby.

Oh well. I guess this ape should sprout some wings.

Speaking of..., A lot of shit's gonna go down when pigs learn to fly.

Please Back Off

Time = 10:53PM

Mood = Still Ill (oh hey, that rhymes)

Music = Misguided Ghosts by Paramore

What I SHOULD be doing = Either sleeping or studying

Random Fact about me = I did not cry when I watched Shutter Island, but I cry Every. Single. Time in Bambi and Lord of the Rings.

Okay, so here's the thing. I'm really starting to get bothered by this chick. Annoying, I believe, is what I've called her before. For the most part, I don't see her, but when I do, she just annoys me to no end. I really want to try and ignore it, you know, I don't want to be bothered by her when I don't really care about her that much, but I can't help it. She just bugs me!

I can't totally explain this next bit, so if it confuses you, I'm sorry, dear reader, you're just gonna have to bear with me.

The problem is that she thinks she has authority in my life, and acts as such. And because ihave no idea how to stop her, I wind up feeling violated whenever she's around. It doesn't matter where I am, or what I'm doing, the minute she shows up, my evening is ruined. I feel groans of dread rising in inside me whenever I see her coming, and if I can, I leave. It sucks. I don't want to have to avoid her. I'd far rather have her leave me alone that me always having to find ways to escape her. I wish she would find somebody else to follow and copy, somebody who actually wants this kind of relationship. As for me, I don't want it. Not a single bit. I wish she would leave me alone so much. I'm sorry this isn't particularly coherent. I promise I'll be back to my typical style within a little while, but studying for finals on top of cold medication just doesn't leave much room for Dragonista's processing abilities.

Peace.

What I meant to say was...

Time = 12: 23

Mood = ill

Music = The dulcet sound of... AN ANGEL'S VOICE

What I SHOULD be doing = Idk... waltzing with a man-eating monkey, or something?

Random fact about me = In my mind.... I'm quite the seductress. lmao... not really... but we can pretend, no?

You know what's really annoying? when you have something to say and you can't say it. Like, when you're sitting with somebody, and they're annoying the hell out of you, and all these words that you'd just LOVE to say come welling up into your brain, but somehow, there's this disconnect between brain and mouth. It's like Brain goes HEY, YOU, SAY THIS! and Mouth goes LAWL NO WAY IN HELL! TAKE THAT, BITCHES!

... I think that's a pretty accurate description. So anyway... I wonder why that is. I wonder if it's because you're too nice to say something that might potentially destroy someone... or maybe too cowardly to actually come right out and say what you're thinking... (and by you, of course, I mean me. Maybe it's actually a really lucky thing that I can't say what I'm thinking when I think it. I mean... if the people I write about on here heard me say what I had to say flat out to their faces, I don't know if their tiny little psyches could handle it.

And... y'know... I don't want to single handedly drive them to their insanity.

So the question is... How can you say what you mean to say and get off without killing anybody, maiming anybody's psyche, and without destroying any respect that others have for you...

And for that matter, why in the hell does it matter so much what people think of you?! I'd like to think that the people who really matter - that is, the people who really know me - would know better than to think I was being malicious for the hell of it.

But somehow, whenever I want to say something like "FOR HEAVENS SAKE, WOMAN, TRY TO BE A LITTLE OPTIMISTIC EVERY NOW AND AGAIN! IT WON'T KILL YOU!", it's like the words catch in my throat and I can't seem to get them out.

Maybe it's because I know I'll regret it once I'll say it. I don't know... But what I do know, is when I let myself think this stuff, and write it out, I feel better. But when I just hold it in and let it fester... well... look up fester... it's a good description.

If my thoughts are fragmented, I apologize. I probably have a fever, as I'm not thinking totally straight, but I needed to think about this.

Cheers.

How About That...

Time = 3:57PM

Mood = Mellow

Music = Help I'm Alive by Metric

What I SHOULD be doing = studying for finals

Random fact about me = I really like changing up my hairstyle.

Have you ever wondered if maybe you're the person who dislikes you the most?

I have. I actually wonder about that a lot. Like how maybe I'm the one who thinks I'm annoying, or who thinks I'm a bad singer. Maybe everybody else around me actually thinks I'm really fun to be around, and loves my singing voice. I don't know when it happened, but I stopped taking people at face value.

I don't want to do that any more. It's stressful, you know, wondering what the people who like think about you. Always worrying that they dislike you, find you unattractive, awkward, whatever. I'm really starting to realize that I don't want that. I don't need the stress of that.

and you know, really, I know I'm the one who dislikes me the most. When I can't put up a wall with somebody, when they dump their problems on me and only THEN do I begin feeling violated, I really hate that. It brings me down a lot.

I hate the fact that I can't be mean, or unkind to someone, no matter how much I dislike them. I mean, I suppose it's a good thing. It means that I see people as people, no matter how much of a pain in the rear they are. But I really hate it. I wish I could tell people that I don't want to be their friend instead of just being fake.

Well... I mean, I'm not as fake as I could be. I don't know... I pride myself on being honest, you know? I really like saying what I think about things, but for some reason, I can never come out and point out a flaw to somebody. I can't say "You're so rude and disrespectful, and if you'd just learn to respect people and be NORMAL, you might actually have friends." and I can't say "start studying the way people interact with other people, and you'll actually make friends."

No matter how much I want to do it, I just can't do it. But is it really fair to them if I'm dishonest about that? Is it really fair for me to keep being kind and friendly to somebody who makes me feel disgusted right down to my soul? (there's only one like that, but yeah.) I don't think it's fair to them. And I don't think it's fair to me.

I think I need to learn to let go of things. And I need to learn to let go of what people think of me. I need to let go of my reservations of saying something just in case it hurts someone. I need to be honest, and there shouldn't be anything holding me back from that. I mean, that being said, I don't think I'll ever say what I put in this blog out loud. There still needs to be a limit. what I write here, I take all my malicious intent, and multiply it by 10. I don't want to be malicious or mean, or bitchy, I just want to tell the truth.

I want to start saying things like, "I can't handle hearing this right now," and "you need help that I can't give you," and "you're disturbing me" and "I don't really feel comfortable being with you right now, please leave me alone." The truth is, I feel like people would be a lot more comfortable with me if they actually knew where they stood with me, and if I stopped trying to figure out what they were thinking and just accepted them at face value.

Sure, sometimes they might laugh behind my back, and sometimes I might be taking the face value wrong, but you know what? It's not my problem. If people misunder stand me, they're the ones who are misunderstanding me. If people choose to get hurt by what I say, they were the ones who chose, not me. If people choose to hate me, they made that choice, not me. I guess, this is something I instinctively know. I just can't get my brain and heart wrapped around the concept. I think it'll take some work, but I can do it. I can definitely do it.

Henceforth, Dragonista's gonna be working at honesty.

Wish me luck.

Oh hey, Shut up.

Time = 11:42

Mood = Perturbed

Music = Fairy Tale by Sara Bareilles

What I SHOULD be doing = French. Guh.

Random Fact about me = I can't stand having my nails longer than my fingertips. Ever.

So I have this serious issue with Whiny. Do I ever. I wish she would shut the fuck up and not speak to me. She annoys me to no end. You know, I get that she's socially retarded and has absolutely no semblance of any social skills whatsoever, and I try to be nice to her because of it, but I mean, seriously. She complains about how everybody leaves her behind and ditches her. Well, No shit. She is THE most NEGATIVE person that I know. Even more negative than this blog. Nothing positive comes out of her mouth. Ever. In fact, when you think she's saying something positive, but saying it in a bright way as thought it was positive. Don't let that fool you, it's not.

So yeah, had an incredible evening, it was a building wide tea-party. (I live in an all girls building). It was just great, and so much fun. It was seriously the perfect evening, but all throughout, she was pulling this face, like she was in pain. She couldn't even enjoy the beautiful tea-party, complete with cucumber sandwiches. I ignored it as best I could.

When it finally came time to leave, I'm walking down the hall, and she walks to keep up with me, and walks back to the dorm with me. The whole 15 minute walk. And then, I ask her if she got into appartments, because DEAR GOD, I DON'T WANT HER IN MY DORM NEXT YEAR. GOD FORBID. SERIOUSLY. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. Yeah, I thought that it was going to be a safe topic. No such luck. She goes on to use the WHOLE FREAKING FIFTEEN MINUTES TO COMPLAIN TO ME. ....Gaw... I don't care at all... and she talks about how she normally NEVER calls people rude, but I mean, All I ever hear from her is complain complain complain complain.

And really, I wanna clue her in. Nobody like somebody who's negative. Nobody wants a downer to be walking in their lives. It's annoying. And I...lost my train of thought. (and my brain.) At any rate, THANK GOD I'm done with her in two weeks. Woohoo.

Peace out, people,

Dragonista. <33

There Are No Words

Time = 1:13 PM

Mood = Mostly mellow, slightly perturbed

Music = Dancing by Elisa

What I SHOULD be doing = Nothing, for once.

Random fact about me = I get hiccups when I giggle.

So, yeah. I couldn't really think of a title for this one. It's just one of those, "hey I have a mini rant that's directionless" type of things, you know?

I have an issue with peop[le who make assumptions about me without my permission. It's like, they don't even know me, but they think I'm one way or another and assume these things without knowing me at all. It's really annoying. It's even harder when those assumptions cause them to dislike me without reason.

It's not a happy feeling, knowing that somebody doesn't like you, but knowing that you gave them no cause. I mean, when they walk by you and give you a look of disdain, or talk to your friends about how terrible you are when you did nothing that they say you did. And part of you wants to try and make friends with them, but you know it's totally impossible because they hate you.

It's even worse when they're friends with your friends. And when your friends are completely unaware of it. And there's nothing you can do about it. That's the worst.

And the guy that I like, I think he likes this really awesome girl. I want to dislike her just because he likes her, but she's so incredible that I feel like there's no way that he could ever like me if she's around. Which really sucks. Because he's seriously amazing and adorable and just... -sigh-.

Actually, he just came by me again. I forget all my grumpiness when he comes by. Whenever I see this guy, it's all I can do to not grin my head off like an idiot for like three hours afterwards.

Dear Boyface:

if you could notice me, that would be great.

Love,

Dragonista.

Shut the Fuck Up

Time = 1:32

Mood = Pissed

Music = Fuck You by Lily Allen

What I SHOULD be doing = I dunno.. sleeping?

Random fact about me = I happen to really like random facts.

Okay. So, here's the thing. There are some things that I can tolerate more than others. People dumping their problems on me? Yeah, that's actually one of the lesser things. There are two things that bug me more than anything else, and that make me want to fucking throw my computer through a window.

Self-centered fuckers, and Judgemental fuckers.

I feel like, if you're gonna think something about somebody, than you should at least have the guts to talk to somebody about it directly. Okay, so that being said, I feel like this blog is a little bad, but at the same time, this is my filter. This is where I put the stuff that I would never actually say out loud to anybody because even though I'm thinking it, I still value their tiny little egos and minds. (Okay, so their egoes aren't that tiny).

These people are the ones who look at a situation, form an opinion, and keep it entirely to themselves, only to discuss it with a bazillion third parties, thus starting rumors and leaving the subjects of said rumors feeling entirely violated. Stupid bastards.

Like, I've got some friends who went out to have a good time. Without Alcohol. Sugar and caffeine goes a long ways, yo. So some girls from our building spot them, and are like "Oh Mai GAWD they are SOOOOOO Drunk! AND they're TOTES driving drunk! Oh Mai. Fecking. Gawd (only they wouldn't say feck or gawd because they're too PERFECT)". So what do they do? Rather than stopping these supposedly drunk girls from getting back on the road, they LET THEM LEAVE, and then return to inform their RA, who in turn informs my friends RA who is like "WTF these girls would NOT be drunk".

Long story short, when my friends came back, they tried to set the story straight, but these fuckers wouldn't listen! They STILL think my friends were/are drunk, even though they couldn't be more sober if they were DEAD.

So then, we're just chillin' trying to debrief in my lounge, when ..um... what's her name.... Whiny. Whiny comes into the lounge and essentially tells us to shut up because her sleep is more important. I understand that. So I tried to diplomatically explain the situation to her. With no avail. She just didn't listen, and continued to go on and on about how she needed to sleep and we should go talk elsewhere. Like... dude. It's a fucking public lounge. We're allowed to fucking talk where we want to. If you're so sensitive that you can't sleep, buy a fucking pair of headphones, you idiot. Yeesh. Right there. Self focused.

These two (groups) of people that I just discussed have one thing in common. They have their heads shoved so far up their asses that they have no idea what's going on around them. They also have no idea that their behavior makes Everybody hate them.

Oh yeah, they're a great piece.

Burnt Out

Time = 3:31 PM

Mood = Tired

Music = I Was Born (A Unicorn) by The Unicorns

What I SHOULD be doing = writing my two papers

Random fact about me = Call me Cleopatra, for I am the queen of denial.

Oh man. Let me ask you this: Studies have shown that sitting in a class having somebody talk at you is one of the worst ways for people to learn. And yet our entire educational system is based on this. You go to hear a sermon, and you get one man standing in the front, talking at you. As soon as you start 1st grade, you sit in your desk and have someone talk at you for the next 12 years of your life. And then, if you happen to go on to higher education (I.E. University, College, Trade School), you get to, yes, you guessed it, listen to somebody talk at you.

Personally, I feel like the education system is a little flawed. Okay, actually, really flawed. You sit in class for an hour, (and remember, I'm talking about University now), listening to your professor talk. They don't ask you if you get it. They assume you get it. And rather than encouraging a question, I find that profs treat you like a total imbecile if you, perchance, don't get it. So what are your options? Pray that you're brilliant and understand everything on the first go; Sit in class and PRETEND you're brilliant, only to flunk the assignments, quizzes, tests, and exams that are thrown your way; or you can ask a question in class and be beheld as an idiot by prof and classmate alike. Yeah. That sounds like oodles of fun.

And another issue. All the profs give heavy quantities of homework simultaneously. Logic would suggest that they space out assignments over a long period of time. Or even, you know, have the options for the paper on the syllabus. But nooo. They're control freaks. They don't want you to know what the next assignment is, lest you actually might want to get ahead so that you don't get frazzled and stressed. No, instead, they keep the topics from you til the end, and expect you to write everything at the same time and do a good job. I'm going insane.

And why do they have to assign these at the end of the year? Wouldn't it be better to assign it at the beginning so that people actually learn about the subject matter they're writing about, rather than make it for the end of the year when everybody's scrambling to study for exams in hopes that they don't flunk. I don't really know anybody who would actually retain information in this kind of stress-filled situation.

Grades are made of fail too! I don't want my brain being put to a numerical value! I don't want to be compared to somebody who's a bazillion times smarter than me who writes their papers in a day and gets 90s, or who studies for a day and gets 90s. I don't want to be compared to anybody. I don't get it. Or the fact that scholarships are assigned based on this. Really, I just hate the hierarchy. I hate that somebody has to be able to do one thing well in order to be considered valuable. I think it doesn't matter! It doesn't matter if you see the value in somebody, that doesn't mean they don't have value. Everybody has value in some way, and I hate that there's this hierarchy of values. Nobody really even knows where it came from or why it's here. It's always "they"... well who the fuck is they, and who peed in their cornflakes?

Don't ask me how I'd change it. I start thinking about it and then my brain explodes because I realize that I have absolutely no power to change it. Why, oh why, am I in university again? Guh.

Wish my luck and safety from an imploding brain!

My oh My

Time = 11:39AM

Music = Bang Bang by K'naan

Mood = Mellow

What I SHOULD be doing = Writing a paper (like that's gonna happen)

Random Fact about me = I'm easily amused

Oh what an interesting last couple of weeks it has been.

I can't really even remember all the things that I wanted to rant about, because I couldn't rant bout them. Yes, I have not had a computer for as long as I have not written a new blog.

It's been a bit of hell on earth, really. I really hate not having a computer, and not having a computer when I needed to blog was really annoying. And it wasn't great that I had papers to write, which I had to try and do in the library.

Okay, here's something. The Library. What fool created the system that libraries function in? They're closed up, stuffy, and quiet as the crypts. Hell, it feels like you're IN the crypts. The result is that anybody who's actually trying to do something in the library gets draggy and exhausted, and can't function, resulting in something taking like four hours to complete when it would normally only take like half an hour.

I think they should pipe extra oxygen into the place, first of all. How is your brain supposed to function effectively when you're robbing it of oxygen? I think this makes perfect sense. Jeez. Okay, so it's not totally foolproof. I'm sure the extra oxygen might do some damage to the books... and that would be a tragedy, but honestly, which is more important? The living students or the very not living books? Personally, I vote students. Y'know, since I am one, and all that.

But there are some bright sides! First of all, I had my audition to change my major OFFICIALLY to music. And I passed the audition. So now I can actually say that I AM a music major, instead of that I'm "changing my major" to music. And the other bright side, is since I was so sick and tired of all the crud my old computer's put me through, I bought a new one. A Mac. Oh my gosh a Mac, how I love it. I named it Viktor. =)

That is all.

Fucking Retards

time = 8:50PM

Music = Consequence of Sounds by Regina Spektor

Mood = dissatisfied

What I SHOULD be doing = who knows?

Random Fact about me = Have I mentioned how much I hate confrontation?

Yeah...This whole thing is a mess, and part of me wonders if I should just shut up and not write about it, but the other part of me really needs to talk about it. Guh.... Where to start...

So, beginning of the year, ...Whiny, I think I called her last time, decided that it would be a good idea to go out and get some guys... um... let's say... their... dorm solidarity dinosaur. Yeah, that sounds good. Their dinosaur. So anyway, she got it in a game, and this dinosaur had been stolen from the guys before. Rather than being intelligent and returning it to them. Whiny decided to hold it for ransom. For the whole first half of the year.

The guys finally came looking for their dinosaur, and oh god I wish I hadn't let Whiny handle the situation. The truth is, I don't care about the whole situation, and from the very beginning, all I wanted to do was give their dinosaur back. But Whiny tries to be all smart about it, and the guys bring up a fucking flower pot in return for their dinosaur.

Suffice to say, the situation only escalated from there. In the end, the guys came back, called us thieves, told us we were disrespecting them, and threatened to leave the flower pot in the middle of our lounge if we didn't give them their dinosaur. Fucking bastards. They were so immature about the whole thing, and I hate that I am now involved in this, and am going to be one of the people that they remember in this. But hey, whatever, if they think of me like that, then at least I don't have to talk to them.

I don't want to be involved with such immature bastards anyways. They can keep their fucking dinosaur. I hope it rots on them. Or somebody trips and tears it. Or destroys it. I hope that they realize how immature about this whole thing was, and that they realize that their idiocy caused a situation that could have been avoided if they're just manned up and acted a little more mature. Now I know that Whiny's at fault too, because she has absolutely no social skills whatsoever. She wasn't mature at all...

Now I just feel so disatisfied, annoyed at the immaturity of Whiny and those fucking boys, and helpless about the whole situation.

Okay, this is getting ridiculous

Time = 1:48 PM

Music = La Traviata by Gioachino Rossini

Mood = Mild with a chance of flurries.

What I SHOULD be doing = Who knows?

Random Fact about me = I seem to store music I listen to in my head in the form of a continuous soundtrack

At this point, Annoying Friend is starting to creep me out. I mean, there's limits to friendly.... following, you know? There's a point when it stops being mimicry and becomes creepy, and I have a feeling we're reaching that point. And that creeps me out. Does that make her my stalker? Who knows.

She seems to enjoy copying me. At first I was wondering, you know, if she really admires me or something, and because of that wants to copy me. I mean, that was weird, but I figure, whatever. But not she's starting to get parasitic. She's trying to sink herself into my life, and it feels like she's this little parasite attached to every part of my life, to the point that I actually have no idea how to separate her from me without losing half of my life. That creeps me out.

I mean like, she's copied me a lot. Thus far, she's followed me to two groups, changed her major to match my current one (thankfully, she won't be able to follow me to music...), she's liked two of the guys that I liked (I've cast them both off as not worth my time)... I mean, that one is like "Yay, Dragonista's castoffs! Woohoo!". How ridiculous is that? She's also followed me to my church. And in my church, as well as those two groups, whatever I do, she is close behind in doing the identical thing. I try to ignore it, but it's really distracting to see somebody start drawing seconds after you start drawing, almost fall over when you almost fall over. And it's not just that. It seems like everything I say, she had to copy and say "Oh me too." I'm pretty sure if I started talking about ANYTHING she would be like "Oh me too."

The thing is, she's NOT me, and it's really starting to creep me out how she seems to think she IS me. And she keeps making friends with my friends, which is going to make it even harder to separate from her when I do. I don't understand how these people work. It bugs me, because I never seem to recognize them until they're already parasitically involved in my life, and I feel like in order to break from this parasite, I like, need to leave this school or something.

And that pisses me off. Why do I have to be the one to leave, when she's the one at fault? I don't know. I need to think about this more. I wonder if there's anything that's like "emotional parasite removal techniques". Who knows. Guh.

Please refer me to and emotional parasite removers you know, thanks.

It's not like I needed to pass that or anything...

Time = 12:39PM

Music = La Traviata by Guiseppe Verdi

Mood = Exhausted

What I SHOULD Be Doing = Sleeping

Random Fact about me = I can't seem to function on under 9 hours of sleep

So honestly, what I'm writing about happened a couple of days ago, and by the time I'm writing this, it's been well resolved, but I still want to write about it, because this particular person is really beginning to piss me off. I don't remember what I've called her in the past, but from now on, she's Whiny.

So, I sleep through my alarm on Friday, and consequently totally sleep through my class. So Whiny texts me, and tells me that we have a listening test on Monday (now that's where we listen to excerpts of songs and name the title, the composer, etc.). She doesn't tell me what's on the test, just that we have one, and that she'll let me know later.

So, taking her at her word, I wait for her to tell me what is on the test, even turning down somebody else's offer to tell me what was on it (okay, that was stupid on my part, but still). Saturday rolls around, she hasn't told me. Sunday rolls around, she hasn't told me. Monday rolls around, and oh look, it's the day of the test, and I have no idea what's on it! And the topper? Whiny isn't even in class.

Now thankfully, by some miracle, my prof decided to move the test to tomorrow, and I was able to get the songs from another classmate, but I'm seriously pissed at Whiny, because she wasn't even sorry about it. It was "Oh I spaced it!" Like my life revolves around her. Not like, I don't know, I was maybe depending on her, since she told me to, and she didn't come through, or anything. Not like I would have completely flunked the test if it hadn't been moved to another day. Not like I wasn't stressing out on Sunday night knowing that there was a test in the morning, and not wanting to wake anybody up. No, she just spaced it, and because the test was moved, there were no consequences of her stupid selfishness.

And know what else? She wants to live with me next semester! Isn't that great? Because I want my days to be filled with the depressing presence of this pessimistic biggot, filling my ears with all the shit about how the world doesn't revolve around her when it really should. I. Don't. Care. She would drive me batty, and I don't know if either of us would last the first week, let alone a semester. But because she caught me unaware, I said "Sure?" and now she thinks it's set in stone. So I'm going to have to tell her that I don't want to live with her. I think I'm gonna go with the "I just don't think we're compatible as roommates" route, but knowing who she is, she'll probably be all like "but we arrreeeee. why won't you roooom with meee"... and if she does that...

I really want to tell her "I wasn't going to say this, but to put it simply, I really don't want to live with you." I just need to find a place to drop it into conversation. Maybe I'll do it tomorrow. Who knows, if she starts hating me now, by the end of the semester, she won't even talk to me, and then my life would be just rosy. ... You know, other than the like... 7 other people who are chewing on my ear.

On the bright side... I have a roommate now. And you know what that means? No private space for people to vomit their issues onto me. That's right, this room is vomit free! Woohoo! Now I just need to find ways to sever their parasitic ties to my life, and it'll be just peachy.

Wish me luck!

This is so fucked.

Time = 7:29 PM

Mood = Miserable

Music = Ignorance by Paramore

What I SHOULD be doing = Studying

Random fact about me = I've been teething on my wisdom teeth for a year and they're still not through.

This is so messed up. Seriously. I don't get why people make viruses. They destroy other people's computers, and why? Because it's fun? Because they get off to it? If I could, I would create a search and destroy program that traced the origin of the virus and destroyed the fucker's computer. But I can't. So now I just have a virused computer, and I'm miserable. Woohoo. I can't even start up my computer, because every time I do, the fucking thing replicates into 20 more files.

Right now, I want to buy a mac. They don't get as many viruses and shit, and let's face it, in my opinion, they're awesome. I especially hate people who try to tell me that Windows or Linux or whatever is better. I don't complain about their computer choices, they shouldn't complain about mine.

I don't really even have the steam to finish writing this. Guh.

OH MY GOSH

Time = 9:20

Mood = E-FREAKING-LATED

Music = Commercials

What I SHOULD Be Doing = NOTHING, Reading break, baby!

Random fact about me = I cheer for every athlete on the stage until Canada performs. And then I only cheer for Canada.

SO THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY SHORT! AND ALL IN CAPS!!!!!!

CANADA GOT GOLD IN ICE DANCING!!!!!! THIS IS A FIRST! HISTORY! AND I SAW IT LIVE!!!!

MOIR AND VIRTUE, YOU GUYS ARE AWESOME!!!!!

PEACE OUT, DUDES!

There Are No Words

Time = 11:02PM

Mood = ...fucking hell.

Music = Take a Bow by Muse

What I SHOULD be doing = working on this fucking essay....

Random fact about me = There are some things that I just don't find funny. And I hate when people judge me for it.


Oh what a lovely day it is. Not. Midterms should be banned. I wonder how many kids drop school after them. This is my second time around, and I still think they're hell on earth. I've just spent the last 6 hours working on a paper that's due tomorrow. It needs at least 2000 words, and I only have 800. While that's not so huge, the fact that my day SUCKED didn't really help that at all. Really. It sucked.

I had to get out of bed, to start. And then I had an awesome class that I absolutely love. Highlight of my day. Downside? Ms. Annoying decides to text me in the middle of my class, and though my phone is on vibrate, it's during the most SILENT moment in class, and everybody stares at me. I should have known that nothing good was going to come out of this day.

Okay. I lied. There was SOME good, in this day. I did well on the midterm that I had today, was able to talk to my sister about her wedding, saw a couple of friends that always make me smile, that kind of thing. If it wasn't for that, I would not be in the stable mood I am now (and I use the phrase stable lightly.)

Fucking hell, even writing this, my computer keeps freezing every five seconds and losing half the sentence so I have to retype it. I blogged earlier today, that was just the beginning. That friend kept stalking me all day sending me stupid texts that I don't give a rats ass about, messaging me whenever I came online... I was so sick of her, when bulemic friend comes up to me and asks me where annoying friend is. LIKE I KNOW WHERE THE HELL SHE IS! Because that's how often she's around me. Isn't that great? Then, bulemic friend goes on to spill her current issues to me without stopping despite the fact that I tell her that I'm writing a paper.

And this part, I will admit, is my fault, because I don't have the guts to tell her to shut the fuck up and let me do my paper. So then she leaves after stuffing her face, and belatedly, I realize she's probably purging, which I think is totally ridiculous, because she annoys the fuck out of me, talking about how fat she is when I don't think I would ever have the capacity to look like her. She always complains about people who are attention whores, but really, the only reason she notices is because she's a fucking attention whore herself. I mean, there are aspects of her that I like, I just hate how she never does anything to fix her life, and expects me to fix it for her. Story. Of. My. Fucking. Life.

So then, after interruption after interruption, I am so exhausted that I'm actually worried that I'm going to pass out. Like I was dizzy. So I get up to go to the washroom, and while I'm standing in the bathroom, washing my hands, some bitch walks into me, WHEN THERE WAS LOTS OF FUCKING ROOM AROUND ME and my bag fucking breaks, spilling my laptop, my textbooks, notebooks, and pens all over the floor. This bitch turns around, loooks at me, KNOWS SHE'S FUCKING BROKE MY BAG, and walks away without so much as an apology.

I mean WHAT THE HELL?! If the bitch had just apologized, I would have told her it was fine, and meant it. But what the fuck was that? She was so fucking rude. She could have even helped me to pick up my stuff. But noo, she left me there with all my stuff all over the floor and goes off laughing with her friends. I hope her computer eats one of her midterm papers.

So then I have to walk all the way back to my building with a broken bag, which is, by the way, about a 7 minute walk. Then, I have to juggle said broken bag to open the doors, while two girls, who know me, sit there staring. Then, once I am inside, they ask me to do them a favor. Me! The one with the BROKEN BAG, struggling to carry the multiple textbooks and laptop! To do them, lazy asses, a FAVOR! I said no and took the elevator upstairs.

I turned on my computer to have a nice peaceful respite online, when Annoying Friend decides to message me incessantly about some random friend who hates an author she loves. GASP THAT COMPLETES MY LIFE, THANK YOU FOR TELLING ME THAT ENTIRELY USELESS DETAIL.

And then Caustic Friend (she's new, you don't know her yet) attacks me on facebook. Now, I bitched Caustic Friend out a little while back for because a selfish bitch and always talking about herself and her problems, and ignoring me, and she apologized, so I was hoping that it might be better. She even asks me what I'm planning on doing (I.E. pursue my dream of being a Music Producer, or stay in univerisity majoring in something I'm good at but don't love [btw, I'm PLANNING to be a music major, I'm a modern languages major at the moment.]) I tell her I'm gonna finish the semester out here, and she's like "Good". And goes on to tell me how pursuing Producing would cost me too much money. And I'm thinking, I already have over 11,000 dollars in loans, a little extra money isn't a big deal. Besides, I'm not a coward like you, and actually intend to pursue my dreams while I'm young, and before I become a crusty old cat lady.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. Maybe I should just go to bed before.... Damnit. Who the fuck orders somebody to go to bed just because they are? Yay, let's make Dragonista's day a little worse, shall we? Really. I SHOULD FLEE to bed before somebody decides to try and make my day even worse.

.....There are no salutations I can bring out at this point.

Shut Up.

Time = 6:22

Mood = Exasperated, Stressed, Bonkers....

Music = Lisztomania

What I SHOULD be doing = Writing frantically at my 2000 word paper.

Random fact about me = I read so much manga that I whip out sounds like "nn." and "uwah" and "kyaa" in my every day conversation.

So, there's this one girl who never fails to annoy the hell out of me. I feel really bad, because like, she reminds me of who I used to be, but the difference is, when I was like that, I was like, 13, and she's 18. The first time I met her, I immediately disliked her. That should have been my warning sign, but of course, I ignored it. I mean, I avoided her for a long time at first, but then another friend of mind was close with her, so I decided to give her a chance. Bad. Move.

This girl has issues coming out of her ass. Seriously. And who does she come to to talk about them? Me. Why? I HAVE NO CLUE! I mean, I don't get why she'd trust me more than somebody that she's known for longer, you know? Like, within a couple of days of knowing me, I was already getting all of her problems.

My biggest issue is that I don't know when to stop. I don't realize that I should really avoid somebody until after I'm already knee deep in their shit. And that's not for everbody. I have a couple of friends that I value a lot and don't mind helping with their problems (probably because that's not the basis of our friendship, just a piece). But yeah. So I listen to this chick's problems, even help her get past them a bit, and now she's glued to me.

Where I go, she goes. Seriously. I'm afraid to tell her when I do something, because I know she's gonna follow me, and suddenly this thing that I love which was totally mine suddenly becomes hers too. And that pisses me off. A lot.

And another thing that really bugs me is how she texts with EVERYTHING. She seriously tells me everything. It's like one of those tweeters who tweets like "I just finished a bag of chips." It's like who in hell gives a rats ass about this, and why must you subject me to it?! seriously. Guh. I'm so sick of these texts, that it's too the point that when I receive them, I actually physically groan. I can't help it. That's how much dread I build up with this chick. I wish she'd just get a fucking shrink and move on with her life.

Of course, one of the problems, is that she allowed me to help her to a point, and now all she's doing is sitting in this miserable, twisted state, denying that there's anything else to deal with, and that now that she's dealt with one thing (or rather, found a placebo to distract her), she's totally perfect and fine. WRONG! there's a lot of shit that she needs to work through, and it pisses me off that she can't see that.

And every time something comes out of her mouth, she reminds me of how twistedly messed up she is, and how she refuses to listen to me. I'm so sick and tired of this, you know? I'm tired of people waiting for me to fix their problems while they sit around and do nothing. IT DOESN'T WORK LIKE THAT, FOLKS! You gotta do your part too!! Anyway....

I've probably wasted way too much time writing this, and am just as annoyed as I was when I started, so this has served to do little for me except waste my time... -sigh-

To those of you with midterms, good luck.

To those of you without? Lucky ducks.

Toodles!

Messed Up.

Time = 5:20PM

Mood = Pushed too far

Music = Ghost Town by the Shiny Toy Guns

What I SHOULD be doing = Reading/Writing and essay

Random Fact About Me = Injustice pisses me off.

So, there's this one guy who's a friend of one of my friends/people who dump on me. He's a troll, in the ultimate definition of the word. Really, he's one of the few people I can actually come as far as to say that I hate. His life goal is pretty much to piss off those around him, and he claims satisfaction whenever he succeeds. For a while now, I've been refusing to give him a reaction, because I didn't want to give him the satisfaction. He pushed me too far today. I can handle him being an ass to me, I can usually handle that fine, but when he puts down one of my favorite Authors, and calls me a soviet spy because I love them, I was done. He's such a fucking asshole.

And you know what I think? I think people like that are like that because they're so fucking insecure. I think, they're the kind of people where nobody likes them anyway, so they figure that if they're the biggest asses in the world, then people actually have a reason to hate them. What a miserable, backwards existence. I may hate people like that, but I also pity them. It's such a cowardly little cop out.

The other thing that pisses me off is this friend of mine has some abuse issues, and she's told me that this dude reminds her of her abuser BEFORE he started abusing her. And that's why she's drawn to him. She doesn't even recognize the falacy of that sentence. She's drawn to him because he's like her abuser. Doesn't that mean he has more capacity to become an abuser. DO THESE PEOPLE EVER EVEN LISTEN TO THEMSELVES?! Ugh. It pisses me off so much.

And then this friend of mine says stuff like "Yeah, he's an ass, but I know that he'll be there no matter what when I need him." That's so wrong! I mean, surely there are people who will be there no matter what who AREN'T asses. I mean, even though this stuff pisses me off, it bugs me because she doesn't get what's going on no matter how much I try to explain it to her. I'm still here for her no matter what. I know that if she needed to talk at 3AM, I'd be there, and I'm not an asshole.


Nonetheless, this guy is going to find out what happens when you push me too far. I've kept all my stuff inside because I didn't want to give him the pleasure of seeing me react, but I'm done with that. I'm going to be brutally honest with this guy because I have nothing to lose. I would never choose him as a friend, and I would feel no loss not having him in my life any more. And who knows, maybe he'll wake up and realize that it is a mad fail to push everybody away by being an ass. Maybe he'll realize that even his GIRLFRIEND (he's an idiot who insists on being "oldfashioned" and calls her his "ladyfriend").

AND ANOTHER THING! He claims to be oldfashioned, and live by oldfashioned morals (including manners). The thing is, manners are developed to make those around you feel as comfortable as possible. Therefore, he is failing at what he's trying to live as his life by striving to make those around him as uncomfortable as possible. I don't know, maybe he just wants somebody to stand up to him. Well, I'm going to be that somebody, because that last push was the straw that broke the camel's back . He can walk all over the rest of the world for all I care, but he won't walk all over me.


Wish me luck!

Biggotry?

Time = 10:00 PM

Mood = Pensive

Music = Rainbow Veins by Owl City

What I SHOULD be doing = Getting ready to go to the show

A random fact about me = I really wish I was Asian. (I'm very Caucasian)

So, first off, the opening ceremonies for the Olympics were kinda EPIC. Except for the whole, malfunctioning cauldron (lol). But it was really cool! I loved their highlight of our indigenous peoples, and I especially loved how much Canada's multiculturalism shone through (I'm really proud of it.) RIP, Nodar Kumartashvili.

Now, onto my topic that I've been contemplating. First of all, I should probably say that I watched the beginning of the opening ceremony in the cafeteria with like, 3/4 of the student body. Joy of all joys, I was sitting by a bigot, who just happens to be a friend of a friend.Ugh... He was so annoying. He never shut up! He made fun of the tribes dancing, couldn't shut up when people were entering, even complained about how Canada would let ANYONE in (referring to North Korea and Ghana.) Suffice to say, I did not stay in the cafeteria. He was way too annoying.

For those of you who don't know what a bigot is..."a prejudiced person who is intolerant of any opinions differing from his/her own." Sometimes being unwavering to what you believe makes sense, but it's the fact that usually bigots don't even bother listening to you, lest you convince them otherwise, and even if there's a grain of truth in what you're saying, usually they shoot you down.

So recently, one of the girls I know, L, has been complaining left and right about Christian bigots. Oh, I know they exist, I've seen them. Judgemental, set in their own ways, condemning anybody else to hell, it's not pretty. But I hear about Christian bigots a lot. People are always complaining about them, and sometimes I wonder if it doesn't get blown out of proportion sometimes, you know? Like, what's wrong with standing up for what you believe? When does that become biggotry.

Really was I find interesting is that when people talk about bigots, usually they're referring to conservative people. You know, anti-abortion, anti-gay rights, that kind of thing. Now, I'm not saying that those people don't exist, I just wonder if we should be looking to see if the reverse is true. Because I think I've met a lot of Liberal bigots.

In fact, I find that if there's complaints about conservative bigots, it comes from a lot of Liberal bigots. They're constantly fighting, but the Liberal bigots don't often get highlighted. Isn't it bigotry to say that somebody else's view is totally wrong? If so, I know a lot of pro-abortion people who fit that bill, laying judgement galore on those who are pro-life. Or even homosexual people who judge and write off heterosexual people. Pop musicians going up Classical musicians.. the list goes on and on.

So then really, aren't we all bigots, in one way or another? I'm sure that it's possible. Everybody feels strongly about something, and it's impossible for everybody's views to line up perfectly. It's scientifically impossible. So then the question is, can we really judge a bigot, when we're one ourselves? And really, who are we to judge what is right and wrong? Just because it's right to you and fits your morals doesn't mean it's right to everybody. You can't expect those around you to fit you're mold. We're all different. Wouldn't it be better to levelheadedly dialogue about stuff and come to a calm collected decision? And then ACCEPT the decisions of others? I think life would be a lot easier if people would just take a second to listen to what comes out of their mouth.

(that being said, I'm starting to wonder if I'm not double standarding myself by writing this post in my blog. Who knows?)

Happy Olympics Day, continued.

Just because I NEEDED to know that...

Time = 4:21 PM

Mood = half happy, half annoyed. Happoyed?

Music = Ghost Town by the Shiny Toy Guns

What I SHOULD be doing = Having a shower

Random fact about me = Sometimes I wish my life was a musical.


Here's something that bugs me. Why do people think that you want to hear really depressing news? Like "Here's something I just heard on the news! It disturbed me so much!" It's like Why thank-you, I needed to hear something disturbing. It completed my day. Everybody knows that nobody thinks like that. If you hear something disturbing, keep it to yourself. I mean really.

Okay, so I get it. Sometimes, when you hear something like that, you need to debrief, but I wish people wouldn't always come to me with shit like that. I don't need to hear about who died tragically in an accident as I was leaving the library. And then feel bad because I was out having fun at the mall. It's just not necessary. What's worse is when they ask you if you've heard about it, and when you say no, they immediately decide to inform you. Do people assume your day isn't complete without a little depressing tragedy on the side?

Personally, I'd be absolutely delighted with a day when nothing went wrong, and I actually managed to keep a good mood the whole day. Today's not so bad though, waiting for the olympics makes me feel a bit happier.

Now I just need to shout from the rooftops... KEEP YOUR DEPRESSING NEWS TO YOURSELF! OPTOMISTIC IGNORANCE IS MY LIFESTYLE OF CHOICE.

...even though this blog really doesn't sound like it.

Happy Olympics day.

In Other News

Time = 11:19

Mood = Mellow

Music = 1901 by Phoenix

What I SHOULD be doing = I don't know, reading? sleeping?

Really, this isn't gonna be a long one. I was just sitting here, and felt the need to write this one. It's been a nice evening. I backed out of something I was supposed to do with B, which is wonderful, because I didn't really want to be a buffer for her shyness anyway.

What is this "other news" you ask? Well. You don't know it, but I'm totally completely addicted to Orange Flavored tictacs. I don't know why, because anything else orange flavored is DISGUSTING, but for some reason, I love Orange tictacs. Maybe it's because of the maltodextrin. (It's addicting, right? Right.)

At any rate, I just finished a box of them. And then I tore the label off the box , which looks like this:

And then, after I tore the label off, I took the box apart. It's lying in ruins on my bed, and I'm ever so satisfied with myself.

That is all.

Toodles!

Pay Attention!

Time = 5:33 PM

Mood = Agitated

Music = Major Tom by the Shiny Toy Guns

What I SHOULD be doing = Eating supper

Okay, so first of all, before I even get to what I want to rant about, I have to say, I'm in the cafeteria, and this creepy (and fugly, I might add) fat woman is staring at me. Seriously. She's like, creepying on everybody in the cafeteria and writing in her creepy little notebook. Lol... that being said, I'm also being a creeper typing on my computer. Somehow, what I'm doing seems less creepy. Maybe it's because I'm not a fugly fat woman. Seriously, I feel like if she waited long enough, she'd grow a beard.

-cough- Anyway, moving on. Current rant: Why in hell don't socially awkward people realize that it's THEIR actions that make them socially awkward? Like this one chick who complains to me, B. She's like, epic pessimist, can't see the good in anything. Seriously, I feel like the world might end at any minute if she perchance happens upon a slightly positive sentence. This chick is completely incapable of reading moods. No matter what the conversation is, or how happy the people discussing it, she always finds a way to insert her pessimistic, selfish ass into the conversation, practically insisting that all present focus solely on her.

What's worse is that her haunt happens to be the dorm room directly across from mine, and on the off chance that she isn't off being miserable in some class or another, she's waiting for me to arrive at my room to spring upon me to inform me of the latest news in the END OF THE FUCKING WORLD. (at least her's....)

Her favorite sentence is "This just hasn't been a good day for me." Every time she uses it, I wanna say No shit. This YEAR hasn't been a good year for you. Have you ever even HAD a good year? I mean, it's not like I particularily hate the girl, I just don't like her. The problem is, she's so socially awkward that she has no friends at all. And she seems to think that I'm the person to glom onto (what else is new, right?). Really, I don't have anything against her... I mean, I get the fact that her parents are totally messed up and have messed her up. I get that. It's also good that she acknowledges this fact. But it pisses me off that she tries to convince me to perpetuate her issues, encourage her shyness, and pretty much cater to make her life easier.

But I kind of got off on a tangent. The point is, if socially awkward people would just perk up, and pay attention to the people around them, their lives would get so much easier. If they just started observing and mimicking those around them, they would find that their social skills would increase exponentially. It's all about social cues. You can tell when somebody hates your guts, and when somebody likes being with you. You can tell when somebody ACTUALLY likes what they say they like, and when they're totally lying. I mean, it's not that difficult. All you have to do is PAY ATTENTION.

Cheers.