How About That...

Time = 3:57PM

Mood = Mellow

Music = Help I'm Alive by Metric

What I SHOULD be doing = studying for finals

Random fact about me = I really like changing up my hairstyle.

Have you ever wondered if maybe you're the person who dislikes you the most?

I have. I actually wonder about that a lot. Like how maybe I'm the one who thinks I'm annoying, or who thinks I'm a bad singer. Maybe everybody else around me actually thinks I'm really fun to be around, and loves my singing voice. I don't know when it happened, but I stopped taking people at face value.

I don't want to do that any more. It's stressful, you know, wondering what the people who like think about you. Always worrying that they dislike you, find you unattractive, awkward, whatever. I'm really starting to realize that I don't want that. I don't need the stress of that.

and you know, really, I know I'm the one who dislikes me the most. When I can't put up a wall with somebody, when they dump their problems on me and only THEN do I begin feeling violated, I really hate that. It brings me down a lot.

I hate the fact that I can't be mean, or unkind to someone, no matter how much I dislike them. I mean, I suppose it's a good thing. It means that I see people as people, no matter how much of a pain in the rear they are. But I really hate it. I wish I could tell people that I don't want to be their friend instead of just being fake.

Well... I mean, I'm not as fake as I could be. I don't know... I pride myself on being honest, you know? I really like saying what I think about things, but for some reason, I can never come out and point out a flaw to somebody. I can't say "You're so rude and disrespectful, and if you'd just learn to respect people and be NORMAL, you might actually have friends." and I can't say "start studying the way people interact with other people, and you'll actually make friends."

No matter how much I want to do it, I just can't do it. But is it really fair to them if I'm dishonest about that? Is it really fair for me to keep being kind and friendly to somebody who makes me feel disgusted right down to my soul? (there's only one like that, but yeah.) I don't think it's fair to them. And I don't think it's fair to me.

I think I need to learn to let go of things. And I need to learn to let go of what people think of me. I need to let go of my reservations of saying something just in case it hurts someone. I need to be honest, and there shouldn't be anything holding me back from that. I mean, that being said, I don't think I'll ever say what I put in this blog out loud. There still needs to be a limit. what I write here, I take all my malicious intent, and multiply it by 10. I don't want to be malicious or mean, or bitchy, I just want to tell the truth.

I want to start saying things like, "I can't handle hearing this right now," and "you need help that I can't give you," and "you're disturbing me" and "I don't really feel comfortable being with you right now, please leave me alone." The truth is, I feel like people would be a lot more comfortable with me if they actually knew where they stood with me, and if I stopped trying to figure out what they were thinking and just accepted them at face value.

Sure, sometimes they might laugh behind my back, and sometimes I might be taking the face value wrong, but you know what? It's not my problem. If people misunder stand me, they're the ones who are misunderstanding me. If people choose to get hurt by what I say, they were the ones who chose, not me. If people choose to hate me, they made that choice, not me. I guess, this is something I instinctively know. I just can't get my brain and heart wrapped around the concept. I think it'll take some work, but I can do it. I can definitely do it.

Henceforth, Dragonista's gonna be working at honesty.

Wish me luck.