Mood = overwhelmed and underappreciated
Music = The Cave by Mumford and Sons
What I SHOULD be doing = Sleeping, like as not.
Random fact about me = me waking me up in the morning - ok. Someone else waking me up in the morning - gdiaf, you fucking moron.
So here's the thing: I'm a bitch. Deep down, inside of me, in that deep dark recess that never surfaces in real life, I'm a bitch. I like making fun of people and circumstances. I'm sarcastic, and I don't have a lot of patience for people who, well, try my patience. I don't like people who never stop talking in an attempt to win my appreciation. I don't like people who say they're good at something when they suck. And I especially hate people telling me what I think, what I know, or who I am. And inside, I hate them. A lot. I gripe, and I bitch, and I tell them to go fuck themselves. IN. MY. MIND. (and in this blog, obviously.)
But in real nice, I'm a very thoughtful person. I'm the one giving out massages and never asking for one even though my neck hurts. I'm the person who squishes herself up against the dashboard in the front seat so that the people behind her can have more room. I let people sleep on my shoulder, I comfort people who need crying, and I coach people through their crisises. And I honestly don't begrudge this. I like helping people, as weird and backwards as it may seem. Even if I hate someone's guts... If they're down in the dumps and I can make them smile, I will try my damnedest.
However, the fact remains, that there are people who piss me off. There are things - pet peeves, so to speak, that I just cannot handle. And you know, the trick is. I never say anything. Even if I wish someone would get the fuck out and never, ever speak to me again, I will never. EVER. say it out loud. The people that I hate never know that I hate them. I treat them kindly because I figure everybody needs some kindness in their lives.
But where does all that bitch energy go? Well, if I don't write a blog, it goes into me making fun of people to my sister. But she doesn't want to hear it. And she tells me that I'm being mean and she just can't handle it. It's so fucking frustrating. YES, I am a bitch. YES, I enjoy making fun of people. NO, I don't let it come out in public, but if you can't be who you really are with family, then who CAN you be who you really are with?
No one.
This is a very difficult subject for me, to be honest, and it's one that I've struggled with for most my life. I'm aware of this dark part of me. This part of me that wants to degrade everyone who pisses me off. The part of me that writes this blog. The part of me that makes me want to avoid people that I dislike. And, well, there's a part of me that thinks this is okay. Maybe it's normal. But everybody in my life tells me different. Whenever that part of me accidentally surfaces, I get verbally pummelled so hard I hurt for weeks. The people that I am closest to in my life, are telling me this:
You will never, ever be able to be who you truly are. Because the minute that comes out, nobody's going to like you. Ever.
It's a great feeling, let me tell you. I have constantly lived in fear that people are going to find out about this piece of me, and when they do, they're going to tell me I'm a horrible, horrible person who doesn't deserve to have any friends. If my own family can't stand that part of me, how will I ever find people who aren't FORCED to have contact with me by blood to love me?
To tell the truth, I'm struggling right now. I feel like the invisible, overlooked person. My one sister is pregnant, her husband never stops talking, and the other sister, (rightfully) has decided that she's not fixing anything. But for other sister, that means that she tells you to gtfo if you try to talk about your feelings. And my mum's in surgery (and before she wasn't she was pretty much using me as a slave). I'm lonely, bossed around, and talked over. Nobody seems to give a rats ass about what I have to say... and fuck it, I'm complaining.
Hopefully I'll get around to more flaming in the near future.
Love,
Dragonista.
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