Who do I tell?

Time = 12:21 AM

Mood = flat

Music = edge of the ocean by Ivy

What I SHOULD be doing = sleeping

Random face about me = I tease people that I like. People that I dislike I am very VERY nice to.

I feel like I have become the person that everybody talks to about everything. Okay, so I know I am the person that everybody talks to about everything. When my friends, coworkers, and even siblings have an emotional crisis, they usually talk to me. I'm the person who can talk you down, help you see both sides of something, and otherwise makes you feel better. And hey, I'm actually really good at it, I can freely admit that. It's a good feature to have, to be able to help people through crisises. And I'm more than happy to do it. I don't want the people I love feeling depressed and helpless, and I like helping them. I like making them smile, and laugh, and honestly for the most part that is one of my main goals in life.

The trouble lies in what happens when I have a crisis. It's almost like people expect me to be even keeled all the time. What, Dragonista gets fucking pissed at customers who treat her like shit? What, you mean Dragonista has bad days too? What, you mean Dragonista actually has ridiculously low self-esteem? Shocking! I feel like most of the time when I tell the people I love about my problems I am waved off. Dragonista will deal with it. After all, she's the one who helps other people through their problems, I doubt she's dealing with anything too severe right now. And the thing with getting waved off, is I feel like I'm always being a nuisance. I feel like I can't say what I actually think or feel, because clearly nobody cares enough to hear about it.

I once told my sister about this blog. You know what she said? "That's too heavy for me I just can't read it." And okay, I grant you, a lot of the shit I write here is pretty bad, and I highly doubt any of you actually read this stuff any more. Probably you cower in a corner whenever you see an update from me (why are you even following this thing?) but still, my OWN SISTER. Rather than be concerned or maybe even be willing to listen to me vent for a little while, my sister, my OLDER sister, tells me that she can't be bothered. And the logical part of me tells me that that's not what she meant, but the long and short of it is, she's more than happy to dump her emotional melt downs on me, but turn the tables and OH NO, THIS IS WAY TOO HEAVY FOR ME DRAGONISTA TAKE YOUR SHIT SOMEWHERE ELSE.

It leaves me feeling like I don't really have anybody I can honestly talk to. And, if there's anybody reading this, thinking "why doesn't she talk to me?" probably the answer is this: I like you a lot and don't want to turn you off by relying on you.

The thing about being an artist is that I feel things very deeply and strongly. And the problem with being an artist who can't express their feelings is I wind up getting poisoned by things that I actually am incapable of voicing.

And the truth is, I have such low self-esteem, and even as I write this, rather than think maybe it might be okay for somebody to listen to me, I instead think that I must be more selfish than I think I am. After all, who am I to think that I'm worth listening to? Sometimes I try to imagine what I would say to someone like me if they were confiding in me, but the truth is... if I met someone like me, I'd probably hate them.

I should probably privatize this blog so I don't have to subject you guys to this any more.

Dragonista