Hear me?

Time = 5:39 PM

Mood = sick

Music = Una Mattina by Ludovico Einaudi

What I SHOULD be doing = having a shower

Random fact about me = Petrichor is my favourite smell

Okay, so I've been through this before, I am really, really bad at saying what I think, saying my actual feeling to anyone, especially regarding confrontation. And really when I feel like a relationship is one sided, it's actually probably because I am the one who made it one sided by not saying what I think.

But the biggest thing about not saying what I think, is that on the off chance, I say what I think to someone I trust, they always write it off. Or worse, they get angry at me for saying what I think and tell me that I'm wrong. Do you have any idea how hard it is to live in a world where it's fine for everybody to tell you what you're doing wrong, to tell you why you're messed up, to tell you the things that you need to fix, to get on your case when you do ONE thing wrong ONCE, and then be unable to say anything to those same people when they do something wrong?

And I feel trapped, because I really want to tell people things. I want to be able to talk freely and openly, and deal with confrontation out in the open, but the truth is, I can't. I actually can't bring myself to do it. It scares the fuck out of me. And it doesn't help that it never EVER goes over well. I can't remember a single time when I've won a confrontation by getting my point across. Somehow it always comes back to me and how I'm wrong.

And it feels horrible, because it seems like there are so many people who just expect me to change around them to fit their lives. I'm not a chameleon who doesn't have their own soul. I have my own thoughts, I have my own feelings, and above all else, I have my own quirks and imperfections. And the hardest, most painful and infuriating thing, is that the people who are supposed to love me unconditionally - my family - are the ones who accept me for who I am the least.

I just want to be allowed to tell the truth.

Dragonista.